Corporations are not very popular right now. In fact, you could say they are among America’s most hated. Unless they’re run by the late Steve Jobs, of course. Sometimes, in an attempt to make themselves look better, entertain each other at terrible corporate conferences, or try and get the public to buy their product, companies make covers of iconic tunes, adopting them as their own and ruining them in the process. The resulting videos are almost always heinous.
Here are the seven worst corporate covers of famous songs.
Bank of U2
A posse of Bank of America suits gather together to celebrate how thoroughly they’ve fleeced the American public, and what better way to do that than to get a pod of said suits on stage to wail out U2′s “One”? Wait, did that guy actually caterwaul, “And there’s one bank?” Why, yes he did. This is probably the worst video you will ever see in your life. So much fail. Several bank employees were treated for ear bleeds after the show.
Walmart Likes Queen
You know what’s gotta suck? Working at Walmart. Not that it’s not a worthy job to have, but here’s betting it’s not a lot of fun. Because they don’t just want you to work for them. They want you to act like you like working for them. And that is the worst. Here, some manager forces a bunch of apathetic workers to dance around and sing a Walmartized version of Queen’s “We Will Rock You.” Sing along! “We are, we are Walmart.” Repeated humming of this song leads to clinical depression and suicidal ideation. You’ve been warned.
We Built This Venti Frappuccino
As if making you stand in line for hours for the privilege of purchasing a $5 cup of coffee wasn’t enough, Starbucks would like you to enjoy their systematic corporatization of Starships’ “We Built This City”: “We Built This Starbucks.” What, pray tell, Starbucks, did you build Starbucks with? Heart and soul, they claim. Starbucks employees lip-synced this godawful atrocity at a company gathering. They were wearing pink glitter wigs and leather pants. It’s all so sad. And soulless.
Sex Bomb the Banks
Whoever thought it was a good idea to turn Tom Jones and Mousse T.’s “Sex Bomb” into a tune promoting Halifax bank must have been out of their mind. Clearly, there is no more obvious way to sell a bank’s services than having Howard of Halifax dance around his branch and sing about getting better banking rates. Once upon a time, you did the horizontal mambo to “Sex Bomb.” Now you hear it and wonder if your paycheck has been direct deposited yet.
We Work Hard for Your Mindshare
Mindshare is a “global media network” that is probably best known for creating one of the most terrible corporate covers to ever terrorize the planet. Apparently, the kids at MindShare were heading off to a European conference of all the Mindsharers, and they slapped together this train wreck as a way of getting everyone to feel a sense of team spirit. Instead, everyone felt embarrassed. Embarrassed for Mindshare. Embarrassed for themselves. Embarrassed for poor Donna Summer whose “She Works Hard for the Money” appears in a video that looks like it was created at a kiosk at the mall.
The Boss for Microsoft
Technically speaking, this isn’t a corporate cover — it’s a Bruce Springsteen cover band screeching about how awesome Microsoft’s Vista SP1 Video is. In other words, it’s much worse. The crime: “Rockin’ Our Sales.” The perps: “Bruce ServicePack and the Vista Street Band.” The punishment: YouTube infamy. The Boss would so not be proud. The Courteney Cox stand-in disappoints.
Imagine There’s No Herman Cain
Yes, we featured this video on TSJ a few days ago. But it inspired this article, so it gets the honor of being included with the rest of these corporate horror shows.
Herman Cain is not only a frontrunner candidate to become the next Republican president and not only the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, he’s also a man willing to don a white robe and turn John Lennon’s “Imagine” into “Imagine There’s No Pizza.” Try and imagine how many brain cells are being killed while you watch Cain bumble his way through this capitalist redux of a tune that was meant to make us a better people. Oh, well.