College sports mascots are the jokers of the game. Wearing giant heads, dressed as animals, trees, and cowboys, these guys provide the entertainment for those football fans who enjoy watching human-sized stuffed animals dance around and hype the crowd. Of course, the best part of the mascot life isn’t the champagne, the girls, or the limos. It’s when you get to beat the crap out of the other team’s mascot.
Here are our favorite college athletics mascot brawls.
Buckeye Gets Bobcat Beat Down
Ohio State University’s bulbous-headed Brutus Buckeye is minding his own business on the football field when Ohio University’s Rufus the Bobcat unleashes a terrifying attack. Dragging Brutus to the ground in a hideous mascot-on-mascot tackle, Rufus loses his head — literally. Thankfully, the Bobcat manages to screw his head back on and, undeterred, tackles Brutus from behind for more mayhem. In the end, Rufus gets the boot and Brutus plays it off, but the Buckeye’s ego suffers a black eye.
Duck Nails Cougar
Put a duck and a cougar in a cage? You’d put your money on the cougar. But as this brutal footage reveals, a duck is no slouch when it comes to public beatings and body slams. The Oregon Ducks’ Ducky unleashes his webbed feet of fury on the University of Houston’s Shasta Cougar. Ducky gets punchy with Shasta to start, and when an official fails to separate the two, this duckling turns ugly. While Shasta does pushups, Ducky shows up for a kick to the ribs, followed by a flurry of fisticuffs and finishing it all off with a few lewd thrusts of its feathered crotch to the face. For this, Ducky was suspended from the next game.
Sparty Spanks Panther
Roc the Panther hailing from the University of Pittsburgh doesn’t stand a chance against Michigan State University’s Sparty. Yes, Sparty is wearing a skirt, but those bulging muscles and boxing gloves turn him into a deadly weapon from ancient Greece at this gladiator-style throw down. Note to Pitt fans: If your mascot gets its ass kicked and has to be taken away by the guys in white, your team might want to rethink its strategy.
Jaguar Mauls Eagle
Yes, that’s Oral Roberts University’s Eli the Eagle getting hammered by Indiana University-Purdue University Indianapolis’ Jawz the Jaguar at the Summit League Championship in 2008. After a head-removing tussle, a male cheerleader’s lame intervention fails, and the two go back to their blood-curdling eagle-on-jaguar grappling. The best part is when the random dude gets involved and falls like a girl.
Bear vs. Tree
The rivalry between Stanford University and the University of California is legendary, and nowhere is their shared hatred more graphically illustrated than in this dust up between Oski the Bear and the Stanford Tree, which is quite possibly the stupidest idea for a mascot, ever, which is ironic, if you think about it, considering how smart everyone at Stanford is supposed to be. The bear doesn’t look like much, sporting a physique not dissimilar to your grandfather’s, and the tree, well, it’s a tree. What can a tree do? A bear may shit in the woods, but if it does it near a tree, the tree may kick the crap out of it.
When Elephant Mascots Attack
It’s Big Al the elephant representing the Alabama Crimson Tide and the moronically named Seymour d’Campus the eagle for Southern Miss starring in tonight’s WWE-style sideline fracas. These animals fight dirty during game season. Buckets become weapons. The Eagle gets tossed into a net. The fence is where you play rope a dope. It remains unclear why Big Al doesn’t choke Seymour to death with his trunk, but maybe they’re saving that one for the half-time show. Let’s hope.
Don’t Wear Horns to a Gun Fight
Hey, you know what? If you’re going to walk around dressed like a bull, you might get jumped by Pistol Pete. Utah State’s Big Blue acts all put out by New Mexico State’s sneak attack, but 21st century fans are a blood thirsty lot. It’s the modern-day mascot’s job to tear off the other mascot’s head and then beat the crap out of each other for our entertainment. Make it happen.
Spartan Kills Badger
The dude in green is no doubt an operative acting on behalf of Michigan State’s Sparty, sent to take out the University of Wisconsin’s Bucky the Badger. It’s an awesome hit; Bucky makes for a nice target. Luckily, the badger’s human friends step in to save it from getting its ass kicked to the curb. Of course, the Spartan couldn’t leave without one more good sock to the snout.