Five Potentially Incorrect Facts about Cinco de Mayo

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Happy Cinco de Mayo! Cinco de Mayo is a holiday unlike any other, and not just because it’s not a holiday at all. But also, it gives Americans a chance to pretend that, despite what Fox News may tell them, we don’t hate Mexicans at all! Quite the contrary, on Cinco de Mayo we Americans come together to partake in centuries old Mexican traditions like wearing comically over sized hats, saying “por favor” and getting throw up drunk on a weeknight. Just like the history books taught us!

What you just read is the opening paragraph of an article we intended to have completed yesterday. But we’ve been too busy pounding Corona and lime to even take a second to look up from our crushing alcoholism since at least yesterday morning. So, instead of a well researched collection of fascinating facts, we’re just going to have to wing it.

Here are five potentially incorrect facts about Cinco de Mayo:

The Meaning of Cinco de Mayo

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Well, we’ve got the literal meaning down. It’s “5th of May.” Boom. Consider yourself schooled.

As far as why we make such a big deal out of it here in the United States is anyone’s guess. Before you pipe up about it being Mexico’s Independence Day, don’t bother. That’s September 16th. The only thing that happened on May 5th that’s of any consequence was an unlikely defeat of French forces at the hands of the Mexican army at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. In Mexico, this “holiday” is mostly celebrated on a smaller regional basis. Probably because they, like the rest of the world, have come to realize that beating back the French isn’t really that big of a deal, no matter how small your army may be.

Traditions Associated With Cinco de Mayo

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In Mexico, families rise as early as six in the morning to partake in a traditional Cinco de Mayo feast of carnitas and pollo encacahuatado while drinking horchata. Vampire Weekend wrote a song about it. Horchata that is, which is a drink. The events in the song most likely revolve more around trust fund hipsters drunkenly ripping off Paul Simon and less around localized Mexican celebrations. That joke was for you, jaded indie rock fans!

Anyway, the traditional Mexican celebration is faithfully recreated in the United States each Cinco de Mayo at Ruby Tuesday’s nationwide with half price Mexican Egg Rolls and 2 for 1 Bud Light Lime from noon – midnight. Offer valid in bar area only.

Cinco de Mayo and Comedy

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George Lopez, Carlos Mencia and that fat guy who calls himself “fluffy” are all unfunny whores. This has nothing to do with Cinco de Mayo. We just felt that it needed to be said.

The Dance of St. Dominguez

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On Cinco de Mayo, it is not only acceptable but often encouraged for a man to approach a young couple and challenge the male to a dance off with the prize being the affection of his female companion. The challenge is issued by smacking your male competitor in the face and yelling “Sallllllllllllsaaaaaaaaa!” as loudly as possible. This is called “The Dance of St. Dominguez” but we don’t care why. What’s important is that you go out and try it. Tonight.

Taco Bell’s Secret Cinco de Mayo Promotion

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You’ve undoubtedly read any number of internet articles recently about how fast food restaurants often have “secret” dishes that aren’t listed on the menu, but they’ll still make them for you if you ask. For example, Chili’s doesn’t have chili on their menu, but if you ask for a bowl of chili, they’ll make it for you, because it would be absolutely retarded for a restaurant named Chili’s to not have fucking chili.

In a similar vein, most people are unaware that on Cinco de Mayo, Taco Bell restaurants give away a free Nachos Bell Grande to anyone who comes in the store or through the drive-thru and says “Cinco de Mayo and the runs are a winning combination.” Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Go make a run for the border and see for yourself.

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