New Service Helps Cheaters Handle Mistress Day

As stupid Hallmark holidays go, Valentine’s Day is perhaps the lamest one inflicted on the masses every year. Annoying for both men and women alike, the dreaded V-Day causes stress, anxiety and general annoyance across the board. You would think that one bullshit holiday in the month of February would be sufficient, but believe it or not, there is actually one other asinine occasion that occurs during this time: The day before Valentine’s Day, a.k.a. “Mistress Day.”

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Mistress Day, which brings florists and restaurants almost as much business as the dreaded V-Day, has been the unofficial designation of February 13th for some time. It takes place on February 13th because the 14th is obviously taken, and because if it were on February 15th mistresses everywhere would be reminded that they (gasp!) come second to the actual wife/girlfriend of the man they’re dating. This must be avoided at all costs as there is nothing more annoying (and potentially life-threatening) than a mistress scorned. One moment you’re enjoying Valentine’s Day dinner with your wife, and the next, Glenn Close is boiling your daughter’s pet rabbit on your stove. Subsequently, savvy cheaters make sure to wine and dine their side sluts on February 13th to: a) Get it out of the way, and b) Give the woman the illusion that she is more important than his legitimate wife or girlfriend. “See baby, you come first—which is why I’d better not hear one peep from you tomorrow, alright?”

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For us, this is just further evidence that having an affair is overrated. Don’t misunderstand us—if you want to sleep with more than one woman and revel in the eternal chase of hot poontang, we wholeheartedly support your endeavors… just do everyone a favor and stay single while you do it. Nobody gives a rat’s ass who you sleep with, or how many people you sleep with, unless you are married or in a relationship. In fact, when single people get laid, it’s cause for celebration. Cheating on a wife or girlfriend, however, makes you look like a dick. Just ask Tiger Woods. And even if you’re totally comfortable with being a dick, the fact remains that cheating is really just a whole lot of extra work and maintenance on top of all of the work and maintenance you’re already putting into your significant other. Why anyone would want to inflict this kind of stress and torture on themselves is beyond us, but perhaps we’re just lazy. Obviously there are plenty of people who are happy to do so, because people everywhere are carrying on affairs.

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So, for all you guys out there who fall into the latter category, you’ll be happy to know that there is a service designed just for you—one that could come in handy, what with Mistress Day just around the corner and all. The dating website Sugar.Sugar.com (“Where romance meets finance”) now offers a special “Sugar Daddy Concierge” service for busy men with kept women. Sugar.Sugar.com understands that men with mistresses are busy guys. Juggling more than one woman can be costly and often requires that you work your tail off in order to make enough green to keep all the ladies in your life happy and complacent. Plus, all those dates and secret meet-ups can really suck up a lot of hours. That’s why the Sugar Daddy Concierge service handles everything for you. All you have to do is e-mail your budget and gift ideas to your personal concierge and he or she will take care of the rest. And, if you’re an older guy who has no clue what to get your 22-year-old paramour, don’t sweat it. The Sugar Daddy Concierge knows what the kids are into these days and will be happy to pick out something for your second best girl. If only Tiger Woods and Jesse James had known about this…

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