Every week, TSJ awards the week’s sports heroes and lameass dimrods a title: Man Crush or Douchebag. We call our column, cleverly, Man Crush vs. Douchebag.
Man Crush of the Week: Jeff Tuel
When I saw tweets abut Jeff Tuel being named the starting quarterback for the Buffalo Bills, I had no idea who he was. Granted, he was a quarterback for the Buffalo Bills, which is probably the most anonymous big position in professional sports. I mean, other than Jim Kelly, can you name a quarterback who has been there multiple seasons?
But it turns out it was alright I didn’t know who Jeff Tuel was. He didn’t even have a Wikipedia page until Monday. That’s insane.
But when examining his Wikipedia page, it turns out he went to Washington State, starting as a freshman and playing a total of 26 games.
He won four of them.
He wasn’t invited to the NFL combine, which basically anyone who has a chance of being an NFL player is invited to. So naturally he wasn’t drafted. We were drafted in the same round as Tuel. (Also, he his is pronounced ‘tool’ so you know he had a rough childhood.)
But he had a workout with the Patriots! And then Tim Tebow came along. The guy lost to Tebow. Having Tebow signed over you means they didn’t really like quarterbacks good at like, throwing and quarterbacking. Things were bad.
And now he’s going to start in the NFL on the first game of the season.
He’s going to become the first undrafted free agent to start a game ever.
Sure, he’s starting for the Buffalo Bills, a fate I wouldn’t wish on any football player. But for a guy who is barely a football player, it’s one of the feel-good stories of the year.
At least until he actually plays the Patriots and gets destroyed. But until then, it’s all that, believe in your dreams stuff that every now and then comes really does come true.
Maybe, if I put my mind to it, I’ll start for the Buffalo Bills someday too!
Douchebag of the Week: The Mets
The Mets have been super Metsy this year. I went to the Home Run Derby at Citi Field and the subway caught fire after the game and stranded everybody.
But this week was even worse. The only reason to care about the Mets, the guy who started the All-Star Game, one of the most likable guys in baseball, a young fireballer who I traded Mike Trout for in my keeper league is now out for the rest of the year and probably next year too.
Matt Harvey’s torn UCL isn’t good. At all. I did the same thing in high school and would have missed a year. I wasn’t one of the best players in baseball, the face of a franchise, the only hope for a team who had their last great young pitcher who could only be defeated by cocaine. Who had the most likable player in baseball last year and traded him. Who were finally making steps in the right direction after their owner was involved in defrauding millions from Americans.
And then this.
And I have no doubt that it’s because he played for the Mets. Really there was nothing they did wrong. Other than him putting on the blue and orange NY. They have so much bad juju right now that only the Mets could have Marlon Byrd t-shirt day and trade him hours before the game was going to start.
Maybe they’re just getting paid back for all the Madoff scandals. But this is getting ridiculous.
It should also be noted I, after living in New York for four years, have decided the Mets were my team in the city. I even bought a hat. You will know why I die next week.