Chad Ochocinco vs. Dwight Howard

MAN CRUSH OF THE WEEK: CHAD OCHOCINCO

My opinions on Ochocinco swing like his own frequent and  tweets. He didn’t have a very good year  But if there’s one thing about Ochocinco, it’s that he’s super entertaining. Everything he does he seems to enjoy and loves sharing it with completely random people. I mean, he flew a dude out to the playoff game against the Broncos because he felt bad for not responding to him on Twitter. That’s pretty awesome. Even his haters have to admit he does some cool stuff for fans when most athletes seemingly couldn’t care less about them.

So Ochocinco decided to up his game a little bit and invited a bunch completely random people out to dinner at Sylvia’s in New York. He Tweeted that the first 200 people who showed up in Harlem at the restaurant would get not only to eat with the Ochocinco, but he would actually pick up the tab too. And in this economy where I’ve debated whether a pack of Mentos constitutes a meal, it’s like Christmas in March.

Turns out, that tab would come to a reported $7,914. To top off the Crazy Dining Experience of a Lifetime, Ochocinco gave out his phone number to all the guests. So now every time he actually catches a pass against a New York team, his phone will probably be full of hate texts from 212 numbers. Although I hope people just call him up to chat about the weather, how their kids are doing, if he had a cup of sugar they could borrow. I love this idea way, way too much.

But he makes sports exciting if nothing else. And we love him for it.

 

DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK: DWIGHT HOWARD

It takes a special sort of douche to win in a week when noted douche Carmelo Anthony further ruined the New York economy by killing Linsanity and causing Mike D’Antoni to resign and in the same when other legendary douche Brandon Marshall gets traded–but not before punching a girl in the face.

But Dwight Howard isn’t just a douche. He’s a Superdouche. In fact, he did probably the only thing I never thought possible and made LeBron James look like a good guy.

So for the last year or so the big question of ‘Where would Dwight go?’ hung over not only Orlando, but the entire league. Every city Dwight went to he would be asked about playing there and say it would be great. His teams of choice were well-known, mostly being the Nets, Lakers, and anywhere but the Chicago Bulls (because he loves winning so much).

This last week was the culmination of everything Dwight Howard is. He decided to really try for once and beat the Bulls. And then he reverted back to the Dwight Howard who loves candy and playing dress-up and video games. He actually managed to make his decision about his future worse than LeBron’s.

Word got out that Dwight didn’t want to be traded, and producing the immortal line inviting the Magic to “roll the dice.” The Magic had said all along they didn’t want to trade him but then rumors about Howard not wanting to be traded so he could join the Nets next year without them dismantling their team started to spread. So the Magic played hardball and said he would be traded for sure if he didn’t agree to not opt-out of his contract. In writing. He said he wanted to stay with the Magic. But wouldn’t sign any agreement. Finally around 3 a.m. the night before the deadline he decided he would sign some paperwork to stay a member of the Magic and extend the Dwight Indecision 2012 campaign into 2013.

This is worse than LeBron. Lebron didn’t go talking in every city about how much he wanted to play for their team. No one questioned his level of care (until the whole Delonte West incident may have happened). He didn’t play with Cleveland’s emotions the entire year. And at no point did it seem like he was considering not getting traded to screw over his old team while not hurting his new team.

Dwight Howard is a child easily confused by things like “making decisions” and “saying things that other people will hear” and “shooting a basketball from the free throw line into the net.” He brought this all on himself. And I don’t think anyone can be too happy with how it played out. I was really hoping after he agreed to stay with the Magic they’d use that as trade leverage and deal him to the Bobcats.

Congrats, Dwight. You’ll probably never win a ring, but at least you’ll always have won Douchebag of the Week.

 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Rajon Rondo vs. The New Orleans Saints 
10 Sports Stories and Most of it is How the NBA Kind of Sucks Right Now 

468X60AD