If the Internet has proven anything, it’s that no matter who you are, no matter what you look like, somebody wants to stare at you naked. Even if you should never be seen naked.
This includes celebrities. When we first stumbled across the Celebrity Nudity Database, because everything on the Internet needs a database, we thought it was going to just be another site detailing boobies. Boy, were we wrong.
You see, it offers a function to let users review the nudity, so we can get an idea of just how horrifying humanity really is. For example!
Kathy Bates has actually done several nude scenes in the course of her career. Not that we don’t respect her as an actress and a humanitarian, as she’s done incredible work in both fields, we just don’t want to see her naked. Nonetheless, she’s done it TWICE.
So, what does the CNDB, or, more specifically, their users, have to say about the scene where Kathy Bates as Hazel Quarrier, a missionary, has gone insane after the death of her child in the drama At Play In The Fields of the Lord?
“Kathy runs out naked covered in mud and scraps, though if you look you can see full frontal and rear nudity. Good for the slow mo button.”
Yeah. We’re sure that’s just what everybody was thinking with this Oscar bait: Good for the slo-mo button.
Meanwhile, in About Schmidt:
“Obviously older large women need to be your thing to enjoy the nudity here. But I just wanted to point out that in addition to the well-lighted brief frontal shot of her breasts when first taking off her robe, and then the dark shot from the side as she gets in the tub, you can also see her breasts floating under the surface of the water as Warren high-tails it out of the tub.”
…Thanks. That needed to be said.
If there is one star we have seen far more of than we ever wanted to, it’s Kevin Bacon. Kevin Bacon takes this perverse joy in springing his penis on us in film. Any film he makes stars Kevin Bacon and Kevin Bacon’s Penis in a special guest role, often ruining classics such as Wild Things and Hollow Man. In fact, he’s probably hidden it somewhere in X-Men: First Class.
Anyway, unsurprisingly, this makes him fairly popular with the CNDB crowd, with reviews like:
“Everyone’s all gaga over dirty old man Kevin showing his plump bacon in Wild Things, but 18 years earlier he was a sweet faced YOUNG thing with a screen-filling close up of his smooth butt cheeks getting the squeeze mere minutes before he gets skewered from behind — not that kind of skewering! This is a slasher pic after all.”
This is from Friday the 13th, by the way, and it is worth noting that Kevin Bacon’s speedoed ass is the only terrifying thing in the film.
How about Hollow Man, which features Kevin Bacon’s CGI penis?
“Kevin has an interesting butt. It’s cute, a little droppy, and very reminiscent of Kevin Costner’s although Costner’s is a little bit more pleasing. I’m not saying Kevin doesn’t have a nice ass, but it’s just a little underwhelming compared to his flash in Wild Things. It’s funny how actor’s butts look different in different movies. Oh well. Kevin still looks pretty fit for his age. Way to be.”
Exactly how long did you stare at Kevin Costner’s ass again?
How about the infamous Wild Things?
“I really liked this movie. The twists and turns leading up to the ending were very clever and kept you guessing. Kevin’s surprising nude scene was an added bonus as he turned around in the shower to show Matt Dillon his nice sized floppy dick and an impressive set of heavy hanging balls…..GO KEVIN!!”
Somehow, we’re pretty sure Matt Dillon didn’t feel the same way. We bet he didn’t repeat that feeling until he woke up one day and realized his brother was having a better career playing himself on a terrible HBO show.
Sarah Jessica Parker
We only bring this one up to prove that even a butterface only takes you so far in the film world. Partially this is because Sarah Jessica Parker is surprisingly modest, despite having a face that makes you want to offer her a sugar cube. Also, we’re a little surprised that, since she forced her three co-stars to run around naked in that godawful TV show as producer, she never bit the bullet herself.
But, despite her best efforts, she can’t even rank with Kathy Bates:
“In the episode All or Nothing Sarah Jessica’s breasts are very visible through the flimsy wet shirt.”
So, in the movie where she plays a woman with a destroyed psyche and is covered with mud and garbage, Kathy Bates merits the slo-mo button while Sarah Jessica doesn’t.
See, we told you. Butterface.
Meanwhile, Sarah Jessica Parker’s costar:
“She and her boyfriend are warm for each others forms and he strips her down to black bra and panties with a long leg shot. He pushes her onto the bed and she has a nip slip–No unclothed sex is shown or implied. In another scene she is under the covers with her boyfriend and he cums. She spends a while talking to him with both breasts exposed–the camera does not move. Both scenes are ever so slightly shady, but the breasts are clear. Her tits are a lot bigger than you would think from the outline in her clothes.”
You know she’s a lesbian, right?
Animate carpet/alleged comedian Robin Williams has apparently gotten naked a lot in the course of his filmography, or at least relatively a lot. More than Kathy Bates, anyway. But, hey, the bears need their celebrity porn too. On the other hand, we could do without descriptions like:
“Sexy beast Robin strips running through a hallway and dives naked into a pool. You see part of his ass briefly and a quick shot of his penis and balls when he’s in the water. One less star for the brevity of the exposure.”
You might want to consider that the shot this movie is from, World’s Greatest Dad, is about a man whose son strangles himself to death using autoerotic asphyxiation, which his father, Hairbeast there, changes over to look like a suicide, and then winds up exploiting it to achieve the publication and fame he’d always dreamed of.
Also, just in case that wasn’t repellent enough, it’s also directed by the most annoying man on Earth, Bobcat Goldthwait. How annoying is he? The CNDB breaks when you search for his name.
Yes, Internet porn has a limit, and it’s nude pictures of Bobcat Goldthwait. We’ve officially found the bottom, the line that even Rule 34 will not cross. Albino porn, junkie porn, horrible racism, inanimate objects, children’s cartoons, all of these are fair game, but Bobcat Goldthwait’s junk is sacrosanct.