Charlie Sheen has recently set the bar high when it comes to public meltdown theatre, but as is typical in Hollywood, it won’t be long until someone gives him a run for his money.
Here are five celebrities we suspect have only a few more minutes on the breakdown watch before their time runs out.
Probably best known as the zombie that stands next to Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes once had the world for the taking after she popped on to the scene as Joey in the massively popular show Dawson’s Creek. Unfortunately, she was quickly abducted straight from Dawson’s Creek and plopped on the L. Ron Hubbard ark by the captain of the ship himself, Tom Cruise.
It was a courtship that played out so publicly (mostly on Oprah’s couch) that it was hard to believe that Tom Cruise was for real, let alone in love with someone who possessed a vagina. Katie Holmes was the only one on the planet that believed she had married the man of her childhood dreams. But oh what a difference a couple of years make.
Her movie career is now nonexistent, Tom’s Stepford Wife makeover turned her from a fresh faced, 20-something-year-old girl into a 40-year-old sexless and kept woman who can barely muster up a smile for the camera. Not to mention the fact that she also had a baby as soon as she was abducted, all the while watching her other Dawson’s Creek cohorts enjoy successful careers.
Katie Holmes is a prime candidate for a major celebrity meltdown of volcanic proportions. A meltdown that we secretly hope plays out as publicly as their relationship did, with Katie sobbing to Barbara Walters on how competing with the Puerto Rican pool boy for Tom’s affections has left her a shell of a woman. We’ll be sure to have our DVR ready.
Nicolas Cage is no stranger to being strange. He’s been known to go a little overboard with his weird obsessions, collecting castles (real ones), exotic animals, sports cars and Elvis memorabilia. It was rumored that his marriage to Lisa Marie was strictly so he could have THE ultimate Elvis collectible. Lisa Marie probably thought something was up when Nic told her to sleep in an air tight plastic case. The marriage lasted a whopping four months.
He also has the hards for all things Superman and named his first born child after the fictional superhero’s father, Jor-El. Nic Cage seems to be a naturally crazy guy just barely holding his normal façade together. We predict his cracks will widen and finally break the old fashioned Margot Kidder way; unexpected and on the run, hiding in the Hollywood Hills from the L.A.P.D. because he filled up his pants with Slurpee at 7-11 and refused to pay for it.
Once part of the very popular Friends ensemble, “Rachel” was responsible for single handedly making every female on the planet go out and get the same haircut. However, after a whirlwind romance, marriage and divorce from a man who makes most females (and some dudes) panties drop just by breathing in their direction; she is now the poster child for abandoned ex-wives and single cat ladies everywhere.
More than a decade later and 20 Brangelina children since the break-up, magazines still can’t stop talking about how she’s desperate to win Brad back from Angelina. Despite all her efforts to sway the public’s attention away from the tabloid manufactured love triangle — dating other guys, making more movies and showing off how hot she is on the covers of magazines — Jennifer Aniston is still seen as the sad, lonely girl who was left high and dry for a younger and decidedly hotter chick.
We’re guessing this unfortunate label has slowly been eating away at her for years. It’s only a matter of time before she goes completely batshit, bites her publicist’s face in the middle of a press junket and announces she’s a lesbian who has actually been pining for Angelina this whole this time. If Angelina takes her up on her offer, that breakdown would be a win/win for all of humankind.
When it comes to being a huge pop star, no one is doing it better and without wasting perfectly good rib eye steaks (we’re looking at you Gaga), than Rihanna. Unfortunately, a couple years back, she was on the receiving end of another pop star’s crazy train that unfortunately came to a crash right on her poor pretty face (we’re looking at you Chris Brown…but from 60 feet away, we hear that bitch throws chairs).
For a young lady who has been involved in an abusive relationship, it’s kind of odd to us that recently, her songs have taken on a more misogynistic tone, openly inviting boys to be rude to her and confessing her excitement for chains and whips. You would think after what she’s been through, singing a peppy tune about assholes and getting donkey punched by inanimate objects would be last on her musical to-do list. Which is why we suspect that her mixed emotions and lack of closure from the Chris Brown incident will come bubbling up to the surface in no time.
A Rihanna breakdown would be unfortunate after all that she’s been through, but we sincerely hope her meltdown will somehow involve smearing copious amounts of Nair on Chris Brown’s hair so it burns off that blond color that makes him look like an elephant took a chunky jizz on his head.
Despite all his success with West Coast Choppers and other business ventures, much of this was immediately deleted from the public’s memory banks when it was discovered that he was sharing his lil’ vanilla gorilla with someone other than his wife; America’s sweetheart, Sandra Bullock.
When it came to light that he was cheating on Sandra (with a Nazi!), who adopted a baby boy with him and tearfully thanked Jesse for his love during her Oscar acceptance speech, the public wanted his nuts fashioned into a wind chime. The reaction would have been no worse had Jesse confessed to sodomizing Bambi in the forest while Thumper watched. He was dubbed by the magazines as the most hated man in America. Deserving of our hatred or not, his public image still hasn’t fully recovered, especially since he quickly rebounded with Kat Von D. and let it be known on Howard Stern that she was 100% better in bed than Sandra. If he keeps up his unremorseful actions, inevitably it will make it impossible to get into the public’s good graces again.
We predict the permanent bad press, the thousands of dirty side-eyes a day and random kicks to the crotch by strangers will get to him. It won’t be long until he gets shitballs drunk and takes a dump on Sandra’s lawn while eating a cheeseburger and reciting the lyrics to “I Feel Pretty” at the top of his lungs. (Dear Lord, we will praise your name to the heavens if you can make this happen and please let TMZ be there to film it. Amen.)