Seven Famous Candies That Might As Well Be Gateway Drugs

candies main 1For years, people thought cavities and cankles were the two biggest side effects of your childhood candy addiction. Now, you’re 12 steps away from some quality time with Dr. Drew, and you don’t know how your trick-or-treating turned into turning tricks to get your “treats.”

Addictions come in many shapes (usually skinny and toothless), but as you are about to find out, that sugar high back then was just a glimpse into your adult highs of today. So, put down the crack pipe and see where it all went wrong for you.

Here are seven famous candies that might as well be gateway drugs…

Candy Cigarettes Lead to Real Cigarettes

candycigsmainPre-cancer sticks, as I like to call them, were so cool to “smoke,” and the only cowboys they killed were as a result of diabetes. Candy smokes came in sugar, gum and chocolate varieties, and if you felt cool while riding your scooter with a mouth full of KINGS, you better believe making the switch to KOOLS wasn’t that difficult.

Big League Chew Leads to Chewing Tobacco

blcmainWhat is it about shredded stuff that is just so damn appealing? From cheese to top secret documents, shredding just makes everything better. If you were knocking balls out of the park in little league with a mouth full of Big League Chew, imagine how far you could hit as a juiced up adult with a lip full of America’s greatest cash crop. Just don’t get confused and try to blow a bubble with REDMAN.

Pixy Stix Lead to Cocaine

pixystixmainHow does sweet candy lead to nose candy? For one, it’s packed in it’s own straw. How convenient. Both are powders, both are probably cut with some sort of baby Aspirin, and if you consume too much of either, you’ll be up until 8am talking about god knows what. It’s amazing that there weren’t more “Pixy Stix Whores” back in the day.

Pop Rocks Lead to Crack

rocksmainSo you like to throw a party in your mouth? Pretty soon you’ll be “sucking the glass dick.” I’m pretty sure that POP ROCKS are made with Crack rocks anyway. Why else would they warn you that mixing with Coke could kill you?

Rock Candy Leads to Crystal Meth

rockcandymainToo much of either will turn your teeth into something that makes your face look like a poorly carved pumpkin. Rock Candy is part science and part delicious. Crystal Meth is part science, and part chili powder (according to Breaking Bad). Looking back, I should have been more suspicious about the kids with the Rock Candy lab who kept getting visits from the tooth fairy.

Ring Pops Lead to Gold Digging

ringpopmainFar too young, women expect far too much. How will we ever make them happy when one of the first rings they get has a 50 carat sugar stone on top?

Candy Buttons Lead to Ecstasy

buttonsmainMinus the need to dance like an asshole and twirl glow-sticks while chugging orange juice, Candy Buttons are a great way to start your e addiction. Now, if only they made these buttons in double-stacked variety.

mcgruff“Help Me Take A Bite Out of a Candy Bar.”

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.