Five Essential Purchases for Deciding If Your House is Haunted
Finally, you’re home alone! But just as you’re about to take advantage of this by taking advantage of yourself, you get a creepy feeling like someone’s in the room with you. Maybe you hear strange noises in the bathroom you can’t explain, see a bedroom door close all by itself, or see a shadow at the corner of your eye – only to turn around to see that no one was there. You start to wonder if eating the worm out of that tequila bottle was such a good idea or if your house is haunted.
If you think your house is haunted, here are five tools you need to determine if an unwanted paranormal roommate has taken up residence inside your attic. (Who knows, maybe the sneaky bastard can be counted as a dependent on your taxes.)
DIGITAL VIDEO RECORDER
Buying a quality DVR should be first on your list of ghost hunting equipment. There’s a huge variety to choose from but you’ll probably want to choose a DVR with the clearest picture and audio. Go for a full spectrum DVR, with light sensitivity to view the full spectrum of light, including light not seen with the human eye. Like GHOST LIGHT!
A good DVR will help you know for sure if that ghostly apparition outside your window is indeed a ghost and not one of your grandma’s panties that she hung from a tree to dry because that’s the only way she can get rid of the “Depends” smell.
Buy It: $174.00 at GhostStop.com
ANALOG TAPE RECORDER
Ghosts are some needy ass bitches and if you’re lucky, you might have a whiney spirit that’s watched one too many episodes of Oprah and feels like they need to be heard. Unfortunately, the phone reception from the beyond is spotty and most of the time, we can’t hear anything they say. This is where a good analog tape recorder comes in handy to be your second set of ears.
An analog tape recorder records sounds differently than a modern tape recorder and can possibly pick up an EVP; which stands for Electronic Voice Phenomena. EVPs are spirit voices that are recorded on magnetic audio tape even when we hear no sounds. So, shhhh! Listen carefully. Is that Chris Farley giving you his secret recipe for double battered hot wings?!?
EMF DETECTOR
Even when ghosts are being sneaky, they can’t escape the Electro Magnetic Frequency Detector. EMF Detectors pick up electronic fields at a variety of frequencies. Usually, when you have ghost squatters in your home, the theory is that their “energy” causes a disruption in the electromagnetic field. The EMF Detector will find out where exactly these disruptions are occurring. It can also help you determine if the “ghost” is nothing but a breaker box or an electrical outlet.
Both of these can also cause a disruption in the electromagnetic field, so if your EMF detector is going crazy, check the room and make sure that none of these things are nearby. If you find that there’s nothing in the area that could possibly be causing a disturbance other than a ghost, then you have our full permission to hitch your skirt up and run out of the room screaming like a girl.
Buy It: $49.95 at GhostHunterStore.com
INFRARED THERMAL CAMERA (FLIR)
Even though ghosts are dead, they’re still not as cold as Hilary Clinton’s snatch. If there’s an anomaly in the room, the theory is that they’ll leave some type of heat signature that the thermal camera will detect. If ghosts are traipsing around your kitchen, the infrared thermal camera can catch them putting their fingers in your peanut butter by detecting the temperature change in the room. Hopefully, it’ll catch the one ghost that scratched his ass right before he violated your jar of Skippy.
DOG
Not only can they smell and hear better, but most dogs have been found to have a keen sense of psychic ability. In a recent episode of Ghost Hunters, they brought along a dog to observe his actions and determine if certain rooms needed to be further investigated. Dogs are one of the easier ghost hunting tools to have because a dog’s reactions are instantaneous and pure. You don’t need a USB plug to analyze a dog’s behavior. If your dog avoids going near the crawl space under your stairs like Neil Patrick Harris avoids vagina, you might want to see if Casper’s under there giving your dog the finger.
Your ghost hunting tools can easily be obtained at your local electronic store, online or on EBay. Unfortunately, after you’ve hunted down your ghost and determined that they are indeed partying it up at your house, there isn’t a tool we can suggest to help you get rid of them. Exorcisms, séances and just simply telling the spirits to get out have been known to work, but let’s face it, none of those methods can hold a candle to the awesomeness of the ghostly soul sucking power of a proton pack. We’re still waiting for those to be made available commercially.
Written by Elaine Chaney who, at this very moment, is on eBay looking for a proton pack to bid on. Read more from her at Sanity, Interrupted.
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