But Officer, the Tabasco Made Me Do It!

Some folks take the concept of “flying the friendly skies” a little too seriously. Take, for example, Rafael Escamilla: A few days ago, the 50-year-old Florida resident was on a flight to Idaho when he decided to whip out his dick and begin playing with it. Not surprisingly, the 17-year-old girl who was sitting next to him immediately summoned a stewardess and asked to be moved to a different seat. The flight attendant then notified the authorities, which is why the police were waiting on the ground for Rafael, and arrested him as soon as he deplaned. Rafael explained to the officers that it was all just a silly misunderstanding—that he was fondling and groping his goods on the plane, not because he was trying to pleasure himself in front of a teenage girl, but because he had spilled Tabasco sauce on himself, which caused his crotch to itch and burn.

Ah, the old Tabasco-sauce-on-my-penis-defense. If only we had a dollar for every time we heard that one…. then we’d be, well, we’d be as broke as we are now because we’ve never, EVER heard that excuse before today. But hey, there’s a first time for everything, and it’s not always easy to think on your feet. It seems Rafael Escamilla could have benefited from one of those Twix moments—you know, just like in the commercial where the dude takes a bite out of a Twix and is suddenly able to come up with a plausible story for his bad behavior?

Alas, poor Rafael did not have a Twix, otherwise he might have come up with something that was at least slightly believable. Then again, he didn’t have a bottle of Tabasco sauce on him either, nor did he even have a Tabasco sauce stain anywhere on his pants, and yet neither of these things stopped him from telling police that the flaming hot condiment was the root of all his troubles. And let’s not overlook the fact that he also thought it would be totally cool for him to break out his wang and start jerking off during a commercial flight. Clearly, Rafael Escamilla is not a man who relies on logic and sound reasoning to get him through life.

But in the end, we all know what REALLY matters here. Rafael, was this alleged bottle of Tabasco sauce the three-ounces-or-less TSA-sanctioned size? Because if it wasn’t, you’re going to have some serious explaining to do, buddy.