Bow Tie Hall of Fame: The Have and Have Knots

Perhaps no one article of clothing has helped define the coolest of the cool and the lamest of the lame more than the bow tie. From James Bond: The International Man of Mystery to Bill Nye: The Science Guy, never before has such a small piece of fabric said so much about the person wearing it (unless you count the fanny pack). In 2010 alone, bow tie sales reached at least a couple of hundred dollars (a stat I have made up, because I’m too hungover to find the real information).

We have a Hall of Fame for baseball, Rock ‘n Roll and even the Jheri Curl, but the always festive bow tie has been overlooked if not outright shunned. Despite being good enough for presidents, prop comics and prime-time TV stars, the bow tie has remained in the shadows. It’s high time we fix that. So, for the first time ever, I present to you the 2010 Bow Tie Hall of Fame.

Best Animal Bow: Triumph The Insult Comic Dog vs. Mickey Mouse

One represents the “happiest place in the world.” The other just likes to make the crappiest waste all over the world. Mickey is iconic, has a regular willing sex partner and the voice of a prepubescent helium junkie. Triumph, on the other hand, has a sex addiction and the voice of an angry lesbian. Both rock the oversized gold bow tie, which screams “look at me,” but only one of these animals is not afraid to follow up the golden bow tie with a golden shower…on your foot. Sorry Mickey, looks like the only Hall you’re getting into is the Hall of Presidents…for me to poop on.

Inductee: Triumph

Best TV Character Bow: Carlton Banks vs. Andy Bernard

Both like to sing, dance and be overwhelmingly white, but this battle of Bel Air vs. Scranton runs far deeper than a Dunder Mifflin paper cut. Carlton represents virgins and Republicans, while “The Nard Dog” represents J. Crew and rowing crew. But, since the paper that Carlton is around has dead president’s faces printed on it, I say congrats, long lost Gumble brother. You’re in!

Inductee: Carlton Banks (cue the Tom Jones music).

Best News Bow: Mo Rocca vs. Tucker Carlson

To be a news man requires integrity, poise under pressure and apparently a propeller around your neck. As if the names “Mo” and “Tucker” didn’t distinguish these guys enough from the Brokaws of the world, they turned to the bow tie for an added advantage. While Mo delivered “news” on The Daily Show, Tucker bounced around from MSNBC to FOX to a few McDonalds from the looks of things. But, since a fat guy in a bow tie is funny, we give the nod to Tucker.

Inductee: Tucker Carlson

Best Corporate Bow: Orville Redenbacher vs Playboy Bunny

The Godfather of Popcorn vs. the Godfather of Poon. Both Orville and the Bunny make you lick your lips, but only one of these bow-tied mascots is really Hall of Fame worthy. I like snack food as much as the next guy, but I LOVE the girl next door even more.

I guess the real question is would you rather have two handfuls of popcorn or two handfuls of playmate? Exactly.

Inductee: Playboy Bunny

Most Controversial Bow: Louis Farrakhan vs. Pee Wee Herman

One of them is a weirdo who screams real loud. The other is Pee Wee Herman. These two bow tie wearing big wigs are known for either publicly insulting the Jew or publicly ejecting the Goo. Although, Farrakhan may have had a million men marching, Pee Wee has had millions of stoners watching. From his playhouse to Broadway, 2010 was a huge comeback year for the man with the big foil ball(s). And, although Pee Wee’s army of “yes men” are slightly less intimidating than Farrakan’s, I have a feeling they’d be a hell of a lot more fun to get wasted with (although I hear that the talking chair is in recovery).

Inductee: Pee Wee

Congrats to the inductees into the 2010 Bow Tie Hall of Fame. Your passion, determination and inability to tie a normal tie landed you in the best place to happen to Bow Tiers since Brooks Brothers.

For the rest of you who plan on strapping on a bow tie for New Year’s Eve, remember the long line of men before you who have sacrificed everything from getting laid to the use of their larynx, all in the name of THE BOW TIE.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.