Bogus Music Is Taking Over

THE RECORD FOR THE MOST APPEARANCES on Billboard’s Hot 100 is held by the artist known as “The cast of Fox’s Glee.

That’s right. They nearly double runner-up Elvis Presley’s number. Somehow it feels like songs like these which are made for TV, and aren’t written by bands to be played on the radio or at gigs, are kind of bogus. But that doesn’t mean they’re not fun to listen to.

Could this be a golden age for music that comes from other entertainment media? I hope so. Would you listen to a radio station that played TV music all the time?

Nevermind, according to Billboard you already do. Here’s a survey of possible gods who would rule the airwaves in the future if bogusmusic continues to catch on.

Movie Songs

As we begin our descent into bogus musical inferno, we’ll encounter the first ring, the movie song. School of Rock had a great one with Jack Black probably improvising half of this song on the spot. It doesn’t have the usual stiffness of movie songs, it’s spontaneity is what makes it capture that feeling of getting kicked out of your band so well. Not that I would know…

Jack Black

Whoop That Trick from Hustle and Flow is another great one, it has this cinematic building-the-jam quality that wouldn’t have the same effect if a normal band tried to do it.

TV Show Songs

Here you can find all of the Price Is Right music, for every possible occasion in the course of the show. The theme of this show captures the drama of fickle fortune in game-playing and the melancholy that comes with winning money in a gambling game involving no risk, for the benefit of advertizers and TV watchers. Everyone has their favorite TV theme song and it’s all pretty subjective, so I will simply invite you to listen to a few dozen.

The Price Is Right, extended theme

In a darker sub-chamber of the TV song universe, there’s the songs written for the adult swim of animated shows. You don’t have to have seen the whole episode to get all of the jokes in the Franz Kafka rock opera in Home Movies, and sound-wise it would go great back-to-back with any Queen or The Who extended mix, as would Dwayne’s solo in Guitarmaggedon.

These two rap songs from Aqua Teen Hunger Force are rare examples of high-pitched male brat rap at it’s finest.

I Wants Candy

For Da Shorties!

Video Game Songs

Below movies in the downward spiral of condemned jams are those made for video games. Most people look at names like Electronic Arts, and Rockstar Games, and say, if you have to say you’re an artist or a rockstar, you probably aren’t. But I believe they are. The technology of early video games is such that the classic music had to be written for the same medium that makes fax machine sounds. Today video games have overtaken movies and music in revenues, yet if you’re the genius who wrote the amazing song featured in the classic game, your millions may never get you the respect you dearly crave. Hopefully this new trend in radio play will extend to vids and change that.

Mortal Kombat

Wouldn’t it be great? I could tune in to the Mortal Kombat theme on the commute into work, and the NBA Jam game-end tune could get me home.

YouTube Songs

A brand new genre we can watch taking shape, before our eyes, in our daily lives, this venue for creativity however seems to hold less promise of millions and no hope for respect for tunesmiths working exclusively with it. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Nyan Cat would be a great palate cleanser after some deep psych jam.

Nyan Cat

This amazing Lil Wayne imitator would give the Carter a run for his money.

G-Funk Box Beater

Deep South opportunist wannabe viral confections Movin’ Like Berney and Smoking Guns have some of the best lyrics I’ve heard in a while, as does the Jan Terri hit. It’s so easy to make music for, it’s like the ceiling on who can be a rock star is completely gone. I want my radio to reflect that.

Astrology Songs

At the bottom of the bogus music ladder is music made for infomercials and astrology. These three great zodiac songs are hymns for a belief system that prizes the weird and obscure, and I’m sure countless cosmic coincidences would result every time they were broadcast on the airwaves.

Capricorn, the Uncapricious Climber

Taurus the Voluptuary

Aquarius, the Lover of Life

Whoa, deja vu.


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