Bargument: Black Swan vs. Black Dynamite

bargument main

As we all know, February is Black History Month, but it seems this past February, the wrong “Black” got all the attention. Anyone who has seen Black Swan can’t seem to shut up about it. It got nearly as many Oscar nods as an epic war movie—even though the onscreen conflicts are limited to shouting matches between three ladies and the occasional dude.

Conversely, we have a movie that was quietly released in select theaters across the country and, despite being perhaps the greatest action comedy film of all time, received little to no fanfare. Even though she probably never eats, it’s high time Black Dynamite had the opportunity to give Black Swan her just desserts. Belly up to the barre, boys and girls, and pour yourself a tall black & tan as we begin this week’s Bargument.

Occupation

occupation

Black Swan: Prima Ballerina

Black Dynamite: Resident Badass

advantage1

Black Dynamite. No matter how hot or how interested she might be in you, no one likes a prima donna. And, while no one likes to take their work home with them either, in this case wherever Black Dynamite is, he’s the Resident Badass. It’s that kinda job that’ll get you all the prima donnas you want—and, with the ability to kick ‘em to the curb.

Wardrobe

wardrobe

Black Swan: She’s a white swan. She’s a black swan.

Black Dynamite: Drives a $5000 car and wears a 100 dolla suit!

advantage2

Black Dynamite. Who the hell cares what kind of swan she is? If you’re a dude, you certainly don’t care unless there’s a wardrobe malfunction. Black Dynamite is P-I-M-P.

Sex Appeal

SexAppeal

Black Swan: Ever since Beautiful Girls, Natalie Portman became known as a certifiable hottie. Her steamy sex scene with Mila Kunis elevates her into eternal A-list hotness.

Black Dynamite: He’s a bonafide ladies man. He can make love to three women at the same time. No, not one woman right after the other… three women… at the SAME TIME!

advantage3

Black Swan. Sure, Black Dynamite has more sex scenes but they’re used for comedic effect. Girl-on-girl action between two famous Hollywood actresses and in a context that won’t embarrass you on a date? Um, yeah. We’ll never look at That 70′s Ho the same.

Flexibility

flexibility

Black Swan: After studying ballet for over a year, Natalie Portman can contort into a multitude of positions unimaginable to the layman or, lay woman as the case may be.

Black Dynamite: If, by flexibility, you mean do exactly what the F*** you want, then yeah Black Dynamite is flexible.

advantage4

Black Swan. We’ll grant you that Black Dynamite has some high karate kicks and amazing fight sequences, but with a little work in a gym, any guy could get his feet up in the air. Once Portman’s character emerged as the Black Swan, it’s game ON! A contortionist whose sexual revolution has just begun—we’re talking jackhammers and wheelbarrows at the very least.

Signature Move

signature move

Black Swan: The Nutcracker

Black Dynamite: Roundhouse

advantage1

Black Dynamite. Never mind that he’s a living, breathing legend, if your best move is to put on a show that’ll bore people to death around the holidays, then you don’t hold a candle to Black Dynamite.

Mortal Combat

mortal combat

Black Swan: With so much angst and neuroses, she’s liable to snap into blind rage at any second.

Black Dynamite: Though a Dynamite beat-down comes naturally, he’s really a lover, not a fighter. This is especially true when it comes to the ladies, and so he’ll have his guard down.

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Black Dynamite. This scenario will go down like a bad romance novel. She’ll scurry towards him with a flurry of fists and feet, and he’ll be her punching bag until she tires out. Then he’ll say something soooo smooth. And then… do you remember the elephant who made love to the pig on Season 1 of South Park?

winner

Well, well, well! It was closer than we thought, but at 4-2, Black Dynamite wins the day. Who would have thought that making sweet love would prevail in the Mortal Combat category? Talk about your non-violence! We’ll have to wait till Black Dynamite 2: Electric Boogaloo to see the Dynamite and Swan steamy sex scenes. Which has us thinking, if they were to marry, would she take his name? Nah, too confusing. Better hyphenate that shit for clarity’s sake.

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