Bestiality, also known as Zoophilia is just as freaky as you hoped it would be, and people have been doing it for a long, long time.

Ladies and gentlemen, step right up to see more things men have sex with, because, let’s face it, it’s mostly men that do this stuff. Not judging, just saying. Men have a high sex-drive coupled with and an “outie” sex organ and it appears to influence their compulsion to stick their penises into things they probably shouldn’t.

Be aware before reading that some of this article is disturbing and you might never forget it. Here are the world’s five favorite animals to have sex with.

1. Dogs

You’re probably aware of pornography that involves women and dogs, I’m aware of it and I’m a female who hasn’t watched half as much porn as you have. But porn actresses, as everybody knows, will do almost anything. So what’s really interesting is people who have sex with dogs because they genuinely like it.

Some slogans for dog-sex lovers: “Man’s best friend with benefits!” I just high-fived myself. “Sex that’s literally doggie style!” High-fived myself again… All right, that’s enough

What makes a person sexually attracted to a dog is beyond me but then again I don’t understand what anyone sees in George Clooney. At least a dog is a sentient being and not a full-sized body pillow that this one in guy in Korea literally married.

2. Ass

If you’ve never heard of a “Donkey Show” you’re in for a treat! That, of course, is provided you consider “treat” means learning about bizarre Mexican sex shows, which of course it always does. “Donkey Shows” are shows in Tijuana, Mexico where a woman has sex with a donkey on stage.

Thing is, they are mostly an urban legend. Sorry, frat boys traveling south to look for them. You are out of luck

3. Dolphins

Dolphins, as it turns out, are very horny animals. If a dolphin could text message you a picture of his penis he definitely would.

I Google-stumbled upon a gem of a website called Zoophile.net which is chock-full of advice for people wishing to bump uglies with animals. If you want the details on how to have sex with an aquatic animal, head on over and check it our for yourself.

4. Goat

Famous playwright Edward Albee wrote a play called “The Goat or Who is Sylvia” which is precisely about a man and his affair with a goat. In an interview, Albee says: “Have you ever looked into the eyes of a goat close up? They are very beautiful.”

Whether or not Mr. Albee has had a personal intimate experience with a goat is something we may never know. But human-goat sex, in which the goats are usually on the receiving end, brings up the moral issue of whether the animal is, in essence, “consenting” to sex. In any case I don’t think “beautiful eyes” are a good reason to have sex with a farm animal but the fine people in the state of Texas might disagree.

5. Wild Horses

Horses are notoriously well-hung and for this very reason there are men who enjoy being anally penetrated by them. As one might guess it’s a highly dangerous activity and several men have died from internal injuries. “Zoo” is a documentary based on the life of one apparently normal American man who died this way after his colon was perforated. What a horse’s ass! (Get it? Get it? Get it?)

In all seriousness I’m not going to judge this guy. I’m just not. I’m not because the horse was obviously into it… probably a little too much. You can say a lot about this particular situation but you can’t say it wasn’t consensual. All I’m gonna say is if you’re gonna engage in uber-freaky shit at least be practical about it people, and don’t try to force a square peg into a round hole. (That was a metaphor with the round hole being your tiny human ass and the square peg being a horse’s huge penis. You’re welcome.)