A Hands On Review of Five Artery Clogging Summer Fair Foods

To some, summer conjures up images of beach bodies, sunscreen and blue skies. To us, however, summer is all about going to the fair and making sweet, sweet love to everything fried, syrupy and fattening we can put the moves on. Bonus points if it’s on a stick.

This summer, throw away your Speedo, put on some pants that involves some sort of elastic at the waist and go celebrate summer like a real man, covered in grease with an irregular heartbeat.

Here are five fair foods to start your summer off right:

1. Fried Klondike

When it comes to great ice cream treats, a Klondike bar ranks high on the deliciousness scale with its simplicity and melt in your hands and on your face goodness. Whoever thought that this dessert brick of heaven needed to be fried in batter and doused with powdered sugar and syrup needs to be elected as President and CEO of planet Earth. It’s warm, cold, crispy, doughy and creamy; it fondles every erogenous zone in your mouth and leaves it quivering for more.

2. Fried Kool-Aid

Fried Kool-Aid: It’s hard to wrap your brain around those three words. How does one fry Kool-Aid and why are you in line waiting to buy some? At first, they’re not very impressive to look at and you’re immediately hit with buyer’s remorse, but fuck it, it’s too late to go back now and you know you’d regret not eating something that’s covered in cherry flavored powdered sugar.

The good news is fried Kool-Aid and regret are definitely two words that won’t go together after you’ve tasted this fried food creation. Fried Kool-Aid is basically a hot Kool-Aid flavored biscuit ball. Crispy and kind of fruity, it’s definitely unusual fair food that your mouth has to experience. Just try not to imagine that this is what the Kool-Aid Man’s junk tastes like after he’s tea bagged a deep fryer.

3. Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich

A hot fried chicken patty nestled in between the sweet deliciousness of a Krispy Kreme donut is a combination that could only have been thought up by a college-aged stoner with no cash for groceries. This is a mix of sweet and salty at its finest. The tasty chicken patty is strong enough to hold its own against the rich flavor of the donut but not challenge it.

Just when the sugary sweetness of the donut and the jelly filling (yes, you read that right. JELLY. FILLING.) is about to pound on your taste buds with full force, the chicken patty takes it back a notch and tickles another part of your palate. It’s so good you want to book a hotel room just so you can be alone with it.

4. Fried Thin Mints

It’s the good ol’ Girl Scout cookie you know, out of uniform, wearing a greasy batter, chocolate syrup and powdered sugar nightgown. If a Thin Mint went out with a bunch of its buddies for happy hour, had too many pitchers of beer and ended up dancing on the table and losing the respect of all the other Girl Scout cookies, this is what its hangover would look like the next day, glistening hot and full of regret. Lucky for you, a Thin Mint’s shame is crispy, rich and pretty damn tasty.

5. Fried Zucchini Curls

We know it’s unbelievable, but all this junk food is eventually going to leave you hankering for something healthy, like vegetables. What better way to fulfill your part on the food triangle by having a pile of battered zucchini curls? Your mom would be so proud that you’re finally eating your vegetables ….fried in batter and covered in cheese, ranch, hot sauce, cayenne pepper or all of the above. Yes, we know you can get fried zucchini at almost any restaurant – but at the fair, the fried zucchini is extra-large, extra fried and extra obnoxious which we believe makes it extra healthy, so you probably better have two plates.

Written By Elaine Chaney who now has pin thin artery openings after eating all the above mentioned fair foods in the name of true journalism, (if true journalism meant looking for any excuse to eat her weight in fried food.) Read more from her at Sanity, Interrupted.