Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories Worth Biting

For the most part, Americans don’t like hockey. Maybe it’s because we refuse to give credit to anything Canada came up with, maybe because the majority of the country has probably never ice skated, or maybe it’s because it makes “Star Wars” adding Lando Calrissian seem like the March on Washington.

But if Americans do like one thing, it is grown men beating each other up and acting like idiots. And that’s been the best way to describe the Stanley Cup Finals so far.

In Game 1, Alex Burrows actually for real bites Patrice Bergeron’s finger and the following games are filled with-finger-in-the-face taunts from both sides.

Then super villain Burrows scores the game-winning goal in overtime of Game 2.

In Game 3 Canucks defender Aaron Rome completely wrecked Nathan Horton, concussing him for the rest of the series, and then the Bruins win 8-1. This is great stuff, you’d have a hard time writing it. Unless you wrote scripts for the WWF, in which case you’d have an easy time writing it. What we’ve got here is a professional wrestling match, not hockey. And to Americans, this is significantly more watchable.

Here are this week’s stories worth biting.

1. Alex Burrows Bites Patrice Bergeron

So yeah he probably should have been suspended, good thing he didn’t do anything important the next game.

2. Alex Burrows Scores the Game Winner in Overtime of Game 2

Oh yeah, so he did.

3. Shaq Retires

Maybe he’ll have the time to respond to the letter I wrote to him when I was eight now.

4. Rafael Nadal Beats Roger Federer at the French Open

I would make a joke here if I didn’t think of the two as the same person.

5. Plaxico Burress Is Out of Jail

Ready? Heard he’s gunning for a starting job. He’s shooting to return to the NFL this year. So far he’s keeping interested teams concealed. He says there’s still no safety that can stop him. Enough?

6. Lots of Baseball Teams Go in Debt

Is there anything more American than baseball? Yes, that would be baseball going into debt.

7. Zambrano Bashes the Cubs

He called out Carlos Marmol and called the Cubs a AAA team. Turns out, Zambrano is kind of a AAA-hole.

8. Donnie Walsh Quits as Knicks President

He probably couldn’t afford the season ticket price increases either.

9. Pirates Take Gerrit Cole First Overall

At least that’s what the customers at Bryan Bullington’s gas station told him.

10. USC Stripped of 2004 BCS Title

Not so smart now, are we, computers?