The Six Best Mansions to Hide Out In

bin laden compoundIf Osama Bin Laden has taught us anything, it’s that mansions don’t necessarily make the best hiding places…that, and even if you’re going for that rugged-dangerous look, it wouldn’t hurt to shave once in a while.

Here in Los Angeles, mansions line pretty much every street. Even our homeless live in bigger boxes than homeless people in other parts of the country. Bin Laden’s mansion may have been big, but without TV, Internet or a driveway full of video-ho’s dancing on Bentleys, what’s the point?

Sorry to Monday Morning QB it, Bin Laden, but I know that if I needed to hide out for awhile from the US government, an angry bookie or, even worse, my girlfriend (when I TiVo over “The Real Housewives”) I’d do it in one of these mansions.

The Scarface Mansion


Although this place didn’t really turn out to be a great hiding place for Tony Montana (or his little friends), this five bedroom, eight bath mansion is situated on over 10 acres overlooking the Pacific Ocean. That’s right…THE PACIFIC OCEAN. While all of your enemies are trying to track you down in Miami, you’ll be living the HIGH life in Santa Barbara, sipping wine and wondering why your mouth keeps going numb. This coke den sold back in 2009 for $6,230,000; a steal considering the asking price was a cool $35 mill. If my math is correct, that leaves around $29 million for party favors.

Dracula’s Castle


This creepy castle has 57 rooms, 17 bedrooms and loads of antique furniture. Hello, Pawn Stars! Although this palace isn’t the most unassuming hiding place in the world, even the toughest Navy SEAL may have some trepidation about entering the home of the “King of Vampires.” This fortress is situated on the border between Transylvania and Wallachia, and who the hell knows how to Google Map that anyway?

The Playboy Mansion


Security is so tight at this “pleasure palace,” you will be safe as can be while you frolic through game-rooms, tennis courts, wine cellars and one hell of a grotto. With parties happening all of the time, and many of them involving costumes, you’ll be even harder to find. Emphasis on the “hard.”

Besides, if I ever have to meet my maker during a surprise gun battle, I’m not sure there is anywhere I’d rather be than at Hef’s House. And as an added bonus, you can use Pauly Shore as a human shield.



The most expensive house in the world is in India, and worth a whopping 1 billion dollars. That’s a lot of curry. In its 27 floors, the house has a plush health club and a garage that can hold over 150 cars; probably more, if you only have Smart Cars. The house is made entirely of glass and is 570 feet tall. Why? Because 571 feet would seem ostentatious.

Casa Dorada

casa dorada

Technically, this place is a hotel, but “Casa” means house, so it’s making the list. This gem is nestled right on the beaches of Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. You’ll be surrounded by bikini clad sun worshipers and enough beach bars to make plenty of friends, and friends with benefits. Enjoy your private balcony hot tub, or work on your breast stroke as you make your way to the swim up bar to watch cruise ships feeding fat people in the distance. This “Mexican Mansion” would make a pretty sweet hiding place…especially in the pretty suite. Plus, if you stay long enough, you’ll be tan enough to pass as one of the locals. Mi gusta!

Hala Ranch


Located in Colorado and currently owned by Prince Bandar bin Sultan bin Abdulaziz of Saudi Arabia (imagine the monogramming costs on those towels), this snow-fort has 27 bathrooms, 15 bedrooms, an indoor pool, private ski trails, sewage treatment plants, a tennis court, heated stables and a gas station.

A prince who owns a gas station? Now I’ve heard of everything.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter@TheKevinKlein.