With April 20th less than a month away, now is the time to stock up on all the items serious or seasonal potheads may need to get them through the month ahead. In an attempt to make this process as easy as possible, I will take care of the food portion of your 420 Holiday by presenting the first ever (at least that I can remember) Munchies Hall of Fame.
I don’t drive a hybrid, but I’m all about “going green” this time of year; so grab some buds and your shopping list (aka rolling papers and a pen), and get these Hall of Fame caliber goodies before they are gone like your short term memory.
Let’s face it… when you’re stoned, anything tastes good. Things that are actually good taste fucking amazing, but even crap that you find in the seat of your car tastes good enough. To make it into this Hall of Fame (where drug testing is not enforced), these Munchies have to be at the top of their game, and to make it into this Hall of Fame (where drug testing is not enforced), these Munchies have to be at the top of their game.
Cereal Round: Lucky Charms vs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
The second greatest thing to come in a bowl, cereal is good out of the box, drowning in milk (or water for you broke bitches). Even though the Trix Rabbit and Cap’n Crunch fight the good fight, it really comes down to Lucky Charms and CTC. Both are full of flavor, and both can give you a sugar high to match your other high, but only one of these competitors has marshmallows…and lots of them. Hats, Moons, Clovers, etc… just don’t get so stoned that you start eating your Monopoly pieces.
Lucky Charms makes it into the HOF. This is the first Irish Hall O’ Famer since that guy who smelled like booze and fought a lot.
Chips Round: Cool Ranch Doritos vs. Funyuns
I’ll give you a second to lick your computer screen. Ready? Both of these bags are bursting with crunch and sodium; the best combination in the world. Cool Ranch Doritos are like the world’s best tasting guitar picks, but Funyuns are… Funyuns. And you can stack like 10 of them on your tongue. The major difference is that Doritos are an all the time food, whereas Funyuns are really only for special occasions.
If not for the big screen stoner love that Funyuns received in “Half Baked,” this would be a blow out. However, with all things considered (including the breath that they give you afterwards), FUNYUNS are in for 2011. (Please send freebies ℅ Kevin Klein on his bean bag chair.)
Cookie Round: Oreos vs. Girl Scouts
Some would argue that it is unfair for one box of cookies to have to compete against the work of an entire troop… with sashes, but thus is the case in this cookie battle. Oreos are pretty much the perfect cookie, but the Girl Scouts are a dangerous bunch; and finding a box of Thin Mints in the back of your freezer while stoned may be better than finding a Hymen on your next girlfriend. This one is to hard to call. Your comments will decide who makes it in.
Raw Round: Cookie Dough vs. Peanut Butter
When a spoon is your weapon of choice for either of these products, you know you are high (or just really fat). Raw cookie dough has had a strong decade, ending up in ice cream, milk shakes and even baked cookies. But when you’re the one who’s baked, raw cookie dough is the way to go.
Peanut Butter has had a good run with its buddy jelly, but recently has gotten some bad PR courtesy of it’s enemy (and part time rapper) E.Coli. Peanut Butter goes with more things, but cookie dough can morph into a cookie like magic. This battle could keep even the most seasoned stoner awake for… minutes.
Cookie Dough is pretty sweet, but George Washington Carver is smiling from heaven, as we welcome Peanut Butter into the Munchies HOF… and the ROOF of our mouths.
Leftover Round: Cold Pizza vs. Cold Chinese Food
Stoners are not always good planners. And sometimes getting dressed and going out to get food can seem like a task more impossible than finding Dane Cook funny. Good thing you have a fridge full of cold leftovers. The Italians and the Chinese are both friends of the pothead, but one of these leftovers will be left out of the Hall. As much as it pains me to say this… cold Chinese is better when you’re so high that you look Chinese, and cold pizza is good, but doesn’t improve with the same magnitude that Mogoo Gui Goo Goo with Cashew do.
Lifetime Achievement Award
You have served us well. Thanks, Velveeta.
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