Sigh. Dating. What hasn’t been talked about with this topic? We don’t know a single person who actually enjoys the process of dating. If the Russian mail order bride wasn’t a scam, every man on earth would signup for that shit in a heartbeat. The social norms one has to obey to have a slight chance of hooking up with your newly met stranger is one that most wish they could avoid at all costs.
And the first date is the worst date of them all. Awkward flatulence. Surprise wheelchair bound dates. All this bullshit testing the waters and feeling each other out over bad Italian food and sappy lounge music are usually the backdrop for first dates.
But after further research, we’ve determined that your first dates have likely never compared to some of these tragic tales.
Something In Common
Before Portland became a hipster wasteland of singer-songwriting bicycle riding organic loving people where love is found at the local hip pub with cat pictures on the walls… people were setup on dates. By friends. Without Facebook or EHarmony. It’s how they did things in those days.
In December 1958, Dorothy Manewal (16) and Richard Gillette (22) were introduced at a party and hit it off. They decided the next step for them was a first date. This was the biggest mistake in their lives. On the date, the two got off swimmingly and really liked each other. Conversations were pleasant. Dinner was swell. Everything seemed perfect for these two Portlanders. That is until they realized something: they were brother and sister.
After revealing their real names, the two discovered that when their mother died ten years earlier, they were adopted in separate homes. Talk about an epic disaster. Nothing in the article mentions kissing or getting to second base, but who knows if these two are taking something dark and disturbing to the grave.
The Sedated Chimp
A widowed 32 year-old chimpanzee, Judy, lost all hope in life when her lifetime companion died. That is until a 10 year-old chimp, Gombe, stepped up to the plate in an effort to cure her loneliness. But in order for this date to happen, Gombe had to travel across the plains of Argentina and over the Andes Mountains to reach the Santiago Zoo in Chile.
For safety reasons, Gombe had to be sedated for the entire trip. Talk about not being setup under your willpower. AND there still was no guarantee Judy and Gombe would hit off. Upon meeting Judy acted aggressively, but soon was throwing poop in Gombe’s face which means there might be a future for these two after all.
Advice: if you’re being sedated for a first date, stay single. Even if you’re a chimp.
We Ate at Chipotle
“I picked him up from the car wash and then we ate at Chipotle. Very sexy.”
Your lonely single life has been one sexy raging party in the eyes of Kim Kardashian. A car wash and Chipotle was the setting for Reggie Bush and Kim’s first date. Kim goes on to say how they love doing nothing and that doing nothing is just really really sexy. With all the money in the world these two decide to spend a few bucks at Chiptole and a couple of quarters at the Shell Car Wash. This first date gave all the signs that this relationship was not going to end well. And the biggest loser of them all is the toilet seat post-date.
Dine and Ditch
In Detroit, at a classy Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant, Terrance McCoy (seen above) pulled a move no one saw coming: he dined and ditched with his date’s car. Apparently, Old T. McCoy pulled the move off when the check came and he told the unnamed woman that he left his wallet in her car. She hands McCoy the keys and the next thing you know she’s watching her Impala pull out of the Wild Wings parking lot and out of sight.
It’s one thing to steal your date’s car, but there’s no excuse for not picking up the bill. Chivalry is shit these days. Next time, pay for the food and stick to the popcorn trick move.
DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE!
Oh Facebook. You so silly. A mother of two gets hooked up on a first date with a guy she met on Facebook, only to find she was being used as the getaway driver in a robbery. So how can Facebook fuck this one up so royally? Let’s see.
First, Leah Gibbs (seen above, looking understandably depressed) agrees to give her first date, Adam Minton, a lift to a casino where he needed to make a “quick stop.” Thinking this is normal typical first date stuff, Leah thought nothing of it and assumed he was throwing 50K on black or something. She’s a sexy classy single lady with two kids, why shouldn’t her man be a high-roller? Minutes later, Minton runs out with a bag full of cash. What a lucky girl, right? This guy literally hit the jackpot!
What was really going on didn’t dawn on Leah until she noticed Minton was also sporting a black bandana and wielding a knife screaming “DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE” as he entered the car. Leah was later arrested that night, but being the swell gentleman Minton is, he confessed she had no involvement in the crime. Isn’t that sweet of him? In the end, the house wins and love is hit with another sucker punch to the vagina.