Small Town Girl in a Southampton World

hamptons2I have never been to the Hamptons because there has never been a reason for me to go. Growing up in a small town, I’m much happier on a lake with hillbillies in beer stained t-shirts than in a swank town where everyone is in cable knit sweaters. But when I was asked to go to the Hamptons for the first time by the AXE marketing team, I couldn’t pass it up.

I went to be a part of the launch of AXE’s newest product The Buzzed Look Cream + SPF! We all know those tongue-in-cheeky commercials that AXE makes: Babes almost baring it all on the beach, *******, and how could we forget to keep our balls fresh? Personally, I think their campaigns are fresh and fun so I didn’t hesitate to cover this event!

AXE vs Old Spice is like the hot sexy dolphin trainer with 8-pack abs vss your creepy uncle Ted with a beer gut and halitosis. For some reason so many men still think, because they are adults, they should smell like Old Spice. Let me tell you that it’s 2011 and I’d rather have my guy smell like fresh mint than a soccer coach from Minnesota. The best part about AXE is they don’t just have deodorant, they also carry other delicious smelling products for men that lure women for miles.

axe

RISE AND WINE!

I don’t wake up early for anyone, and by “early” I mean anytime before 1pm. Even though I was picked up at 730 am, when TSJ & AXE invited me to The Hamptons, I couldn’t resist. I went out to my cab and couldn’t help but think about a lyric from the opening song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air:

“I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, ‘nah forget it. Yo holmes to Bel-Air!”

Except my cabbie was passed out in the front seat, mouth agape with drool dripping down his chin, and we weren’t going to Bel-Air…we were going to The Hamptons. I screamed through the window, “WAKE UP!! IT’S TIME TO DRIVE MISS DAISY!!!”

Scaring the poor guy right out of his slumber, we commenced our journey. Feeling myself get sleepy, I told him I better be the only one napping during the ride so I could make it alive to enjoy the AXE experience.

THIS AINT NO BATES MOTEL!

It’s not often I get to stay in nice hotels. Being a stand up comic, I usually end up in EconoLodges or Red Roof Inns. AXE went all out and put me up at the Southampton Inn. Even though it was raining, I was tempted to jump in their pool with all my clothes on just out of spite towards mother nature. When I got to my room there was an itinerary for the day that included lunch at 75 Main, happy hour at The Driver’s Seat, a training session at Evolution Fitness, dinner at Southampton Social Club and dancing at the AXE lounge to end the night right.

A jam packed day and the only thing that I wasn’t looking forward to was the personal training session I signed up for. That’s like voluntarily signing yourself up to be hit in the face over and over again. I unpacked my 12 outfits I brought for the night and hung them in the bathroom while I ran the shower as hot as humanly possible to try to get the wrinkles out. My momma didn’t raise no fool! I was really too lazy to go to the front desk to ask for an iron.


AXE left some goodies by my bed side including a pair of classic Ray Bans and a man-loofa. I’m going to have to give loofa lessons to all my guy friends.
bed1
With an hour to kill before lunch, I jumped onto the bed and instantly felt like a princess…
bed2…a sober princess for the time being!

FORCED INTO FITNESS!

AXE had some fun outdoor activities planned for us but the weather had made a turn for the worse and the forecast predicted rain. So instead of paddle boarding or wind surfing we had a choice of tennis or a personal training session. Like an idiot I chose to work out. After lunch, five of us headed to Evolution Fitness to partake in our training session with trainer Jason Cofield. Feeling the food jiggle around in my stomach made me dread the ensuing push ups and burpees. That’s such a dumb name for an exercise that doesn’t involving burping! I was farting more than anything and I don’t know if I can blame lunch or the crunches but either way when we walked into that gym I had contemplated faking an injury to get out of training. I’d be the girl who cried fart.

Jason, a former member of the Air Force, said he’d “take it easy on us.” It was foolish of me to believe he meant it. He used his Air Force training and forced us to do a million different exercises each at minute intervals which really felt like years. How can something that is supposed to be so good for you make you feel like you’re dying a slow death while doing it?


Here’s me sweating and swearing during our circuit training session.
hands onJason was a real “hands on” trainer.

Nobody mentioned a ladder to me. I felt like Jessimae and the beanstalk. Except there were no beans. At least then I’d have something to blame my gas on. Notice my hot pink unitard! A girl has to accessorize her finest assists especially when being physically fit!

EXTREMELY HAPPY HOUR!!

Once our training session was done I needed alcohol! Luckily the AXE team met at The Driver’s Seat for drinks and fried food, just what one needs after working out with a drill sergeant for an hour. I shoveled chicken wings into my mouth, like the lady I am, and got to know my AXE peeps. The whole crew was fun, smart and ready to party. Despite the pouring rain outside, we were all in a good mood, the four glasses of pinot noir may of helped me a little bit.

In between all the food, fun and fitness, the AXE team found time to give us a small presentation for their newest product: AXE Crew Cut Buzzed Look Cream w/SPF.

This product is inspired by the hair cut our brave soldiers wear while serving our country. Through a new charity partnership, AXE is giving back to those American heros by joining forces with the Wounded Warrior Project™. As a gesture of support and to help our brave warriors, AXE is making a donation of $50,000 to this non-profit organization. The product is actually really good for a dude with short hair. It has SPF in it to protect the scalp from getting sunburned and also makes the short hair feel soft to the touch. Ladies will love to rub this buzzed cut after its been AXE’d !

happy hour

SHRIMP, FONDUE AND LOBSTERS, OH MY!

We got all gussied up for our AXE team dinner at Southampton Social Club. Coming from Syracuse, our “social clubs” consist of middle aged Italian men who sit out front on lawn furniture wearing gold chains and white sauce stained t-shirts yelling about how the neighborhood has changed. Not the same social club! We walked into this very swank and dark restaurant like the Mod Squad, ready to kick a few back and eat some lobster. The music was loud, the lights were dim and the food was delicious. We pillaged our way through lobster, shrimp and oysters like the Romans must have done.

Considering I’m used to 3 a.m. diner food in NYC, this was a treat for my broke-ass pallet! We chatted about each other’s jobs, loved ones and hobbies. Well I pretty much stuffed my face with lobster and listened but I put in my two cents… PASS THE BUTTER!

LOUNGIN’ AROUND WITH AXE!

We arrived at the AXE lounge in our VIP car service like a bunch of celebrities. Tripping up each step as I made my way into the club, I felt like I was a member of The Real Housewives of Syracuse New York. When we got there the club was PACKED and bottles were poppin’. It was impossible to have any intelligent conversation because the music was blasting so we just decided to dance. I soon realized that an all white outfit may have not been the wisest of choices as the cranberry juice stains started to accumulate around my thighs. I know, I have a drinking problem.

The AXE Team made sure we were well hydrated and enjoying ourselves but I thought it would be more fun to see the party from a (tipsy) birds eye view. I grabbed a couple of my girls and we bombarded the DJ booth. This was the worlds smallest DJ booth with the most equipment per square inch I had ever seen. We crammed our asses in there and posed for a picture.

lounge

THE HILLS HAVE EYES!

The Hills star, Lo Bosworth, came down and hung out with us at the AXE lounge. I was lucky enough to chat with her outside the club. Now let me defend my improper use of the word “plateau” in this video. I meant to say “platform,” which “Lo-Bo” used properly. At this point in the evening, I already had about two bottles of champagne to myself so I apologize to my mother ahead of time for embarrassing her. She’s impervious to poor grammar. I, however, will toss any word into any conversation and hope for the best.

People get tickets for drinking while driving, well it shouldn’t be any different for drinking and taping. Instead of blowing into a breathalyzer, you should have to complete a spelling bee and a 400 word essay just to make sure you sound intelligent enough to conduct an interview.

Anyways, Lo-Bo was a doll and not at all what I expected. Don’t believe everything you see on TV, except of course when the interviewer sounds drunk it probably means she was just having a good time at the AXE lounge in Southampton.

AXE showed this small town girl what it means to party for a cause. Not only did they treat me like a princess, they also changed my opinion of their company. I thought they were just some deodorant supplier. Turns out AXE, besides having a plethora of items, cares about issues other than just keeping their balls clean. Not many popular brands give back like AXE has. Donating $50,000 to Wounded Warriors shows they put their money where their mouth is. They have it right when it comes to marketing and promoting.

My only suggestion is that if, it’s gonna rain next time, instead of a personal training session how about a Thai massage?

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