Ask TSJ: Sugar Caddy Rhymes with Sugar Daddy

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Playboy Manager, Daniel Richard, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader named Seth.

DAN SAYS

Whoa! Seth, I hate to completely deviate from the question, but if you’re guessing her age is 21 and you’re 43, you just took a stroll down creepy-shoot-you-in-face-with-mace lane.

Let me share with you a very important equation that will help you avoid looking like a fruit-loop to your friends and family, not to mention minimize the Oleoresin Capsicum aroma emanating from your body. Your age divided by two, plus seven. This is the minimum acceptable age within your female contact sonar range without you looking like a toolbag. Anything less, your targets will likely see you as a creepy old dude that looks like their dad and will be forced to live through the awkward moment of gently telling you to stick it up your rear.

In other news, pretty much all golf course staff are absolutely forbidden from stroking holes and clubs of their club members, and are especially adamant about washing their balls off the course. Keep your eye on the game, finish on your 18 a few strokes over (he who holds the scorecard holds the power) and stick to age 28 plus off the course.

– Dan

MELISSA SAYS

Dear Sethy,

Girls love it when a dude twice their age loves up on them in the deserted wilderness. It’s like every rape fantasy is going off in their head at the same time and they can’t get over the fact that it’s FINALLY HAPPENING. She’s so happy right now, OMG!

Props go out to you, man. You are so sharp to have recognized that probs when she follows you around like that with the “caddy” (note how sugar “caddy” rhymes with sugar “daddy” — that’s no coincidence, there) it’s because she wants you. Yeah! She’s frothing at the MOUTH for you, Sethy! She wants you to PUTT HER HARD! Bring your cameras pronto and get ready to upload the time of your life onto the Interwebs, bra.

Okay so I’m lying.

So yeah. My two cents is pull the Tiger outta your T-prowl and pick up a sport with a little less putzing.

Meantime, leave the sugar caddy girl prey to assholes her own age, yeah?

There’s a good boy.

Love,

Melissa

 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
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Ask TSJ: Sex with An Ex

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