Ask TSJ: What’s This Thing on My Wang?

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

Dear TSJ,

I have this mole on my dick. Anyway I think it’s a mole. Is it a mole? Or am I dying?

Plus I’m bummed out I’ll never get to be President.

- Morgan, Kansas City, Kansas

FROM MIKE

Dear Sir,

I’m going to take some clues from your letter, and assume that you’re an extremely wealthy man, who practices an alternative form of Christianity, and may have been the Governor of a major northeastern state. And you have a mole on your dick. My suggestion: Think of all the dudes with moles on their junk who now can have them lanced for free under Obamacare!

Also, considering all of the people you put out of work by way of the monstrous and destructive business practices of Bain Capital, you kind of deserve to have a growth on your dick. Dick.

My advice: burn the thing off and work on being a better man, not a privileged child who’s sad he didn’t get to be President like his daddy said he could. That’s Jeb Bush’s gig.

- Mike

FROM MELISSA

MISTER Morgan,

You know that part in The Omen where the fake dad brushes his fake kid’s hair aside and discovers the devil’s tattoo on the creepy little motherfucker’s head (also what kid has that much hair? I want to know)? Ye olde 666 birthmarks the spooky Damian kiddo as tainted, dog-controlling, nanny killing, mommy throwing off balconies, devil’s spawn through and through. Hey man, that’s how devil’s markings go. Everyone knows the rules.

Guess what, buster? You’re  a marked man, too, and it’s no coincidence you’re not gonna be President. It’s not your destiny. If it WAS your destiny you’d find a message inscribed in Aramaic and/or a chain of zeroes and ones to uncode the devil’s cypher for your life. On your wang. As it is, the devil just gave you a lazy looks like HPV taint, keeps the ladies from seksing you good, keeps you from great power. FTW!

Better luck next lifetime.

(But seriously, why didn’t you send us any pictures?)

xo
Melissa

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