LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in Buffalo, NY.
I really hope you can help. I just started dating a girl that I really like, but the problem is, I can only get an erection while watching live NHL hockey on TV, while my partner, uh, watches. It’s why my relationships tend to only last from October to June, but it’s really the only way to have sex. If you find a girl with a strong back, you can even rest a beer and some nachos on her. I learned it while interning in Montreal some years ago. Apparently all the Quebecois do it that way during the season. But, as you may or may not know, the NHL players are locked out and there may not be any games this year. My worry is, in the next few weeks she’s going to tire of heavy petting and my excuses. I’ve tried taped games, but it just doesn’t get me up. Help.
Ray G., Buffalo
My sympathies, first of all, for living in Buffalo. Horrible place. Makes Cleveland look like Cincinnati.
It’s tough to put one through the five hole when there’s nothing good to watch on TV. Here’s what you do. You need to by a second TV, a DVD of the best Montreal Canadiens games ever, 4 sets of goalie pads, and a bunch of winter porn. What’s winter porn? Winter porn is Canadian-made porn in which all of the “actors” wear parkas and boots. The parkas come off, the boots — never! Put the TV’s next to each other, synch up the hockey and the porn as best you can (it’s a natural fit), bend your lady friend over the stacked pads, and giver! Worked for me to the tune of 3 kids conceived during the 2004-05 lockout.
How nightmarish. Fetishes are weird and I feel sorry for you because it seems like something you can’t control (someone interrupt me and say something supportive and sex-positive). I don’t know what to tell you, mostly because myself, I hate hockey and it’s bad enough when dudes make you watch hockey or football with your clothes on.
If I was dating you and you were like this with me I’d think you were a hilariously insane and selfish and way wackier than you’d stipulated on your dating profile and I’d say let’s just call it a day and be buddies, eh? I might even throw around the word “pal” insincerely.
But I have a variation on a theme kinda suggestion for you. What about doing it with a female hockey player/ringuette officionada? Would that be a good compromise? Think about it. She’d have stacks of gear. Pads by the hockey bagful.
Go to some arenas. Check out the hockey/ringuette types. Tell them you like the equipment they’re working with and see what happens next. You could get some penalty time. Or, or, or, or, or–
The Cutting Edge