LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from our friend Sarabeth. And you know how they say a friend in need is a friend indeed.
Hi Ask TSJ,
I had sex in a bathroom at the bar last night and I don’t know the guy’s name but I think I could love him. It was pretty amazing. Very special. How should I track him down?
As of 2012, the Milwaukee population totaled at a smug 598,916. Which means unless your bathroom rogue is a traveling bloke, you guys probably went to camp together. Narrow that shit down on FB, yeah? He’s gotta be someone’s friend of a friend of their dealer’s brother.
Wait, he’s your daddy’s age? You know Craigslist, right? Get on some W for M missed connections action pronto. Bonus: If toilet guy doesn’t write back, another bar-crawler likely will. And maybe a new bro can sorta wipe away the love lost on the old toilet guy? I mean maybe not. Maybe you will harbor some love feelings for a while for toilet guy number one, but uh, you know. It’s not easy to flush, love.
So yeah. The heart is a lonely hunter.
Well, Sarabeth, if you had sex in a bathroom at a bar in Milwaukee, I would imagine that it was special. Perhaps as loving and special as any sexual experience. In fact, here, in order, are the top 5 most special places to have sex.
1. A bar bathroom somewhere in Wisconsin.
2. The back seat of a married man’s minivan in a stripclub parking lot.
3. In movie theatre during a matinee of Frozen (or any animated film).
4. The bathroom of a Greyhound bus on any trip over 4 hours in the midwest.
5. In an alley behind Arby’s POST MEAL.
How do you track him down? How many STI clinics are there in Milwaukee? I’d start there. YOU HAD SEX IN A BATHROOM WITH A RANDO. C’mon! Have a bath in penicillin and never do this again.
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.