LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s new editor, Melissa Bull, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.” This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader named Riley.
My ex-gf is coming to visit me for Spring Break here in Ft. Lauderdale. She’s staying at my place. How do I prepare for her arrival? Do I make up the extra room, or do I assume that we’ll be having drunken ex-sex for the week? What kind of signs should I be looking for pre- and post- arrival? - Riley S., Fort Lauderdale, FL
TRACY PENDERGAST: Inviting an ex out for Spring Break… Awww yes, the perfect storm. Make up the extra bedroom—one can get puked in. The other can be used for a makeshift ICU.
I’m guessing if she wants to spend her week off with you, she probably still has some feelings going on. Since I know your question has nothing to do with feelings, I’ll cut to the chase—
Making up the extra room is a win-win. Women love a challenge, so even if she isn’t coming out there with the intention of hooking up, she might change her mind when your cute wittle face is so vewy
close. If she does want to hook up, you get a bonus for being thoughtful and she can use the extra bed to lay out the entire Kardashian Kollection she bought to come see you.
As far as signs to be looking for—you guys are broken up, which means there’s baggage. With baggage comes mixed signals. So I wouldn’t read in to anything until she’s actually with you.
One more thing: I know it’s Spring Break, but don’t get too drunk on the first night. Save the dysfunction until at least day 3. You’ll thank me later.
MELISSA BULL: Dude, you have an extra bedroom at your place in Fort Lauderdale? OMG you’re so rich! Congrats, man. That’s awesome.
The odds of you having sex with your ex are about as high as the everglade temperatures. You’re in like Flynn. But that doesn’t mean you don’t want to make it nice. You definitely want to make it nice.
Here are some suggestions to prepare for your ex-lady company.
First, remember that this ain’t no regular sleepover. This is a RE-VISIT. What you want to do is take advantage of her getting her holiday feeling on, her ‘I’m fancy free and going to act a little wild’ attitude, and reap all that pre-established intimacy from when you used to date. But you don’t want any drama. Drama is nyet. And with exes, there’s gonna be some drama. Frankly, this situ is so dicey that lesser men would just avoid it altogether. But I know you’re stronger than that, and you can do this, Riley. And so can she, or she wouldn’t be asking to stay with you. Hm? Right. And btw, that’s your sign. She asked to stay with you. She’s bringing bikinis. She wants you.
So. Practicalities. Make that rich boy extra room of yours less hospitable than your bedroom. Take the mop out of the tub, go to the store and make sure you have some soap and shampoo handy. And a couple of towels. (Women can feel put out by a guy’s distinct lack of sanitary provisions.) Get the maid to put some clean sheets on your bed and get ready for reunion times.
Caveat: You broke up ’cause things got bad, so don’t rehash. Like don’t talk about your feelings. Don’t talk about who you’ve slept with in the interim, and definitely don’t ask her those kinds of Qs. Not even in a ‘no, honestly, baby, I’m not jealous’ beer-, etc.- soaked tete-a-tete. You want this to be a NSA reunion, not ‘let’s get back together forever.’ Unless you do. But I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Because I don’t have any advice in that dept., mister.
Meanwhile Spring Break’s like in a month. So you gotta chill. And meet some local chicas.
Tracy Pendergast is a writer, model, singer, television personality and former Navy Seal. We might be lying about one of those facts. Check out her official website or follow her on Facebook or on Twitter @tracypendergast to find out which one.
Melissa Bull is the new editor of The Smoking Jacket.
Got a question for Melissa and Tracy? Click here and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.