LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.” This week’s column is c/o a man in a quandry in Glenview, Illinois.
I just found out my girlfriend accidentally tweeted a picture of herself topless. Now all my friends have seen her tits. That’s so weird because those are my tits and they shouldn’t see them. So should I break up with her now?
Jesus Christ, if we dumped every girl whose boobs had been seen by all our friends, well, we’d be horribly alone, wouldn’t we? Look, this isn’t your mama’s dating universe. There’s no malted with two straws at the diner after the sock hop. It’s 2012. Most couples have seen each other’s junk and hoo hoos via social media before they even meet in real life. My soon to be ex-girlfriend is sitting next to me right now Skyping topless with three dudes I went to college with, and the dudes are bottomless. No big whup. Contemporize, my man.
Oh, and those boobs don’t belong to you my friend. They belong to that fabulous young woman who will soon dump you for someone who isn’t a possessive prude. And she can’t do with those boobs whatever she damn well pleases. In fact, can you DM with her email address? She sounds right up my alley.
Hey thar, chicolico,
So did your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, whatever, grow her own boobs herself? Did she have one of them home-grow ops in her pre-teens in the general location of her chest, and when I say pre-teens I mean prior to her tweeting out evidence of the boobage existence and it became the equivalent of your own, suburban-world Kate Middleton scandal? Because if so, then I do I think copyright law confirms those boobs are her boobs first and foremost. Real boobs = hers. Two-dimensional picture boobs = anyone’s WHEN THEY SIGN THE PHOTO RELEASE PAPER THING. Unlawful representation of picture boobs is invasive and lame and something to condemn.
But hey, the accidental tweet — what can you do? Some people can’t manage their own camera phones when they’re taking off their shirts and legal stuff is really complicated so don’t expect me to even understand everything I’m telling you.
If everyone’s a grownup in your situ, just laugh it off, tweet out pics of your man boobs/her your man boobs to even out the playing field and call it a naked on-the-top kind of day.
Speaking of accidental tweeting, and BF responses to, have you seen Alison Pill’s latest oopsiedasisy? Did you know Allison Pill has not just a BF but a fiance? He seems nice enough, for a fiance. He played a role — Trotsky — that I think but I can’t remember if it was filmed in my old high school.
Are you reading this Jay Baruchel? Hiya. Call me sometime?
I’m just joking. Obviously I know you have a fiance.
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