Ask TSJ: The Free Cheat Pass

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from our pen pal, Eli, from Kansas City.

So I’ve got a nice girlfriend and we treat each other right. We might move in together, which would be cool. And even get a dog and stuff. I’m wondering about free passes, though. How many free passes do I get. Like to cheat?

Kansas City


Oh, Eli.

Typical male asshole Eli. Here’s how many passes get: ZERO. Passes? What are you a romcom prologue? You’ve got a “nice girlfriend” and you “treat each other right” and so you move in together and the first thing you do is write the Internet’s premier advice column to ask about how soon and how often you can run down to Applebees and pick up some strange? Man, if we were in the same room I’d beat you like a red headed step child.

You know how many people are fortunate enough to find someone they dig and who digs them? Not enough, Eli.

So zip it up, love your lady right, and if you feel the need for a “free pass” email me directly, and I’ll fly to Missouri and kick you in the crotch so hard you’ll be coughing dick for a month.



Heya, Kansas City!

You know, I’d take it on a day-by-day basis, Eli. When love gets nice and cozy it’s pretty inevitable you’ll find other people strange and sexy at some point. I don’ t know what to tell you. Figure out how to deal with it.

Like here are your options: You go for it. You go for it & you tell. You go for it & you don’t tell. You don’t go for it & you wonder. You don’t go for it & you don’t wonder.

Them’s our options — and there’s rewards for most scenarios. I guess you’ve got to pick what rewards you’re in it for. (Caveat: Lying will probably make your life a shitstorm hurricane.)

Don’t you feel so alive right now?


Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.

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Ask TSJ: How Do I Sexy Up My GF?