LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from our friend Francis. And you know how they say a friend in need is a friend indeed.
I’ve recently become smitten with an online friend. We’ve never met in person, but over the past two years I’ve come to genuinely care for him. Problem is he lives in Finland, and I live in New Mexico. I don’t know anything about Finland, or the Findlandish people, and I don’t speak a lick of Finglish. Also, I hate pickled fish, which seems to be their main diet. We’ve never talked about our feelings beyond friendship, but I sense he feels as I do. So, my question is, what do I do? Do I tell him? Do I make a grand gesture? Do I show up in Helsinki with flowers and lube? Halp!
Sheri in Roswell
Dear high school Geography D student,
Well, you should probably learn more about Finland if you want to date a Finn. Their king is named Teemu Selanne, their currency is the Koivu, and they work on the 27 hour clock as opposed to our antiquated 24 hours.
No, but seriously, what is wrong with you? Flirtation online, especially at great distances, is easy, effortless, and safe, because the chances of ever actually seeing the person are nil to none. Is there a possibility that this dude digs your Roswell ass? Sure, and there’s a chance that my wife is coming back, but it has been five years and she unfriended me on Facebook, so…
Look, yes we live in a modern world where love knows no borders. But, honestly, lets keep it in the southwest, okay?
Definitely. For sure. Kyllä, or yes, in Finnish, to your “flowers & lube” Q. Go for it!
I know for a fact the Northern Europeans make for good pen pals. I keep one of my own at my house and he writes me charming emails while I’m at work.
Here’s the deal: You don’t have to worry too much about the pickled fish and things when you move out there and bamboozle your Nordic flame into wedlock. What you gotta worry about is wearing too much Marimekko, how the toasters are not really toasters, and scratching up enough dough to get yourself one of those fake sunlight lamps because the thing about New Mexico is it’s really sunny and you have all those sunflowers but in Finland there’s only like a sliver of daylight in the winter so you could die of Seasonal Affective Disorder. Which would be so Romeo and Juliet. But kind of a downer in a the end of The Shining way. You know?
Good luck, Sheri d’amour!
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.