LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from our a friend in need in America’s great midwest. And you know what they say about a friend in need is a friend indeed.
So I’ve always wanted to move to Cleveland. I can’t decide if I should or not. I like in Minneapolis right now. There’s no real reason to move to Cleveland, I haven’t been offered a job or anything. I’m just thinking this might be the time for a change. This might be my moment.
You know some people call Cleveland “the mistake by the lake” right? But the some people who trashtalk Cleveland are mostly from Chicago, and they have to defend themselves against being NYC’s little bro, so they go around all chipped-shoulder-like, second-son-ish, curmudgeony and acting like the big American cheese of the American midwest. And they kind of are, sure, because it’s a cool city, Chicago, what with its big silver Christmas-glob sculpture refracting tourist flashes in the park there, and public transportation that has jazz riffs named after it. But you know what else they got there? Like 50 murders every Saturday. Before noon. You know what you don’t need? That.
What I’m getting at, Jason, is Cleveland sounds like a great idea. But you know what else city could be safer than Chicago and more jokes than Cleveland and Minneapolis combined? Your city-in-a-nutshell. What? Duh. Your DYO bunker. Sure, in Cleveland, or anyplace, really, like Hawaii or Canada, or New Zealand, maybe. Think of the pros: You’d never have to go shopping again. In your life. You could belch the alphabet all day. Who’d complain? No-fucken-BODY, that’s who. You could invent a language that aliens would uncover and gloat over, centuries from now. Plus no more Internet dates! And all the beef jerky a boy could want.
Quick, start compiling your optimum playlist for the rest of your life in the hideyhole! Include this track whydontcha.
Let me say how sorry I am that you’ve come to such a bad place in your life that your choices are Minneapolis (who Duluth make fun of) and Cleveland (the Saskatoon of Ohio). Seriously, dude. You can do better. Hell, St. Paul would be better.
Here’s what I suggest: Get weird with your life choice. Find a large (at least 5′ by 5 ‘) map of the US and place it in front of you on the floor. Get a bottle of cheap whisky. Do a shot every minute until you’ve forgotten about Cleveland. Then do two shots a minute until you puke. Be sure to vomit on the map. Where ever the exact center of your vomit is shall be your next home.
Why this method? Because anywhere you puke on a map is better than Cleveland.
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away.
If we use it… your life will improve immediately.