LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from our LA/NY two-timing buddy in distress, Matt.
I’ve got a problem, and I hope you can help.
Actually, I’ve got two problems.
In January, I was in NYC visiting friends and ran into my ex. I was mad in love with this girl, and we only broke up because she had to move east for work and I had to stay out west (I live in LA). Anyway, we hooked up just like old times (it was a-mazing) even though I’m kinda/sorta engaged to a girl back in Cali, who I totally love.
I get back to LA and West Coast Girl picks me up at LAX and tells me she’s pregnant.
So, I’m freaking out and delaying calling East Coast Girl to tell her it just can’t happen, when she calls me and tells me SHE’S PREGNANT. Now I got kids due in October on opposite sides of the country from two different women I’m in love with .
Matt H. in LA
Way not to wear condoms, big guy. You’re like a PSA, After School Special, and parent’s worst nightmare rolled into one. Could’ve thrown some Saran Wrap on your little Matty and saved yourself some headaches. But don’t worry, your only problem is raising kids 3,000 miles from each other with different moms. And I’m guessing since you didn’t use the ‘A’ word, the work of Roe v. Wade cannot be used in this equation. Tough spot.
So I’m going to drop a serious nuclear solution on you: Tell both women. At the same time. In the same room. Chances are they’ll both hate you, but there’s a possibility, however slim, that they’ll appreciate your candor and do their best to fix a difficult predicament.
Your next step? Follow Melissa’s advice…
Dude, you don’t got a problem, you got a compound. And this compound’s got one easy answer for all your multiple birth probs: LDS babies! All the way!
Fuck LA. Fuck NY. Now you’re Mormon, everyone rendez-vous in Utah! Lives 4 ever in adjoining hillbilly semi-detached trailer houses!
I think someone just said reality show.
Congrats on the babes. The ones you scored, the ones you conceived, the ones you gonna marry for reals, and the ones you’re gonna hook up with for the love of Joseph Smith.
I bet your mom’s real proud.