LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and contributing writer Ian Orti set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.” This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader named Eddie.
Hi guys i need your help! I’ve been dating this girl for about 7 months now and things have been great.
However, I don’t know the best way to handle this situation. She has a lot of guy friends and defends them to the death even if she barly knows them.
Now there are a couple guy friends of hers that i really don’t want her hanging out with because I’m almost positive they have a attraction to her.
I’ve gone as far as deleting every single girl number on my phone in front of her besides family to show her that I don’t care about anyone else but her. With doing this among other things, I do so much for her and the relationship that i feel disrespected that she cannot understand my one simple request.
It really bothers me and I don’t have any idea how to make feel how i feel. The worst part is, that these friends of hers are what you would call “school friends”, and she still gets all moody about it. Any advice would really be appreciated! Thanks!
IAN ORTI: First of all, what is the ‘really great’ part about being with a girl who has made you feel insecure for the last 7 months? Secondly, you need to get some of those phone numbers back that you deleted in case your fears prove correct. Third: A girl with guy friends is a healthy girl, as long as she also has some girl friends in that mix too. It’s also cool if she spends a lot of time with them as long as any four of the following guidelines are followed:
1) She doesn’t bang them, suggest banging them, or suggest the two of you should bang one of them together.
2) She doesn’t hang out with them when either are naked. (Of course this does not apply in France, most of Northern Europe and Essex.)
3) She doesn’t sleep over at their houses when she’s pissed off at you.
4) Any combination of 1-3.
Get used to the fact that people are attracted to your girlfriend. Including her friends. After all, you were attracted to her too. There’s nothing she can do about it so don’t knock her for it; besides, at the end of the day your attractive girlfriend is only making you look more desirable. Unless of course any of the above-mentioned guidelines are being ignored, in which case she is making you look foolish and, once again, you need to get those old numbers back.
If you really want your girlfriend to bang her guy friends, you need to keep doing what you’re doing–trying to control who she talks to and who she sees. There’s nothing that bothers a person more than feeling caged. Moreover, accuse someone long enough of doing something they’re not and eventually it gets to the point they’ll just do it to substantiate the headache you’re giving them.
In a nutshell, if you think your girlfriend is full of shit, you shouldn’t be together.
MELISSA BULL: So probably you’re fourteen and stoned right now, and that’ll make it easier for you to hear what I’m gonna say. You sound very nice and polite, Eddie, and I sincerely appreciate that. But this question is all out batshit. In a scary manipulative trying not to act manipulative way. (Like I don’t buy that you actually deleted anyone’s numbers.)
This level of jealousy isn’t what having a GF is all about. I mean, it’s normal to feel jealous sometimes. It’s a sign of vulnerability, it shows you dig someone a lot. But it’s lame to let it rule you, chico. You’re supposed to be smooching and hanging and making each other happy. Overall. Like at least 70 percent of the time. You’ve both gotta be feeling lucky. Not to be a sap. But to be a sap. You’ve gotta feel like you won her, not like you’re her daddy. Being her daddy–i.e.: controlling your GF?–nada for the sexytimes.
Here’s something you can try: Instead of indulging in the paranoid nosing around her personal business you’ve been doing, brush your teeth, pull on a clean shirt, and take the girl out for a meal. Tell her how she’s a hot tamale. Make her laugh. Feels pretty great to crack someone up. Feels pretty great when someone makes you laugh.
See how many boys she’s got on speed dial then.
Or if you care.