LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from an anonymous dude with some jealousy issues.
im in a relationship with a woman for 7 months now. i used to be married to a woman who lived on making me jealous and nearly ruined my live , thank god i left her. but my problem startedwith my current girlfriend and her ex boyfirend. she told me they were friends and at first i was ok with it until he started fighting with her about why they broke up , things got bad and so did my temper because i dont believe in being friends with ex’s. it took some time but she stopped talking to him because if not i was going to be gone. now i have an issue with another ex who is her friend on facebook… also he used to send her pictures of his penis to her phone…which i so happened to see while going through photos…ever since then i cant stand the fact that they are still friends even when she said that they dont even speak anymore (well if thats the case delete him then?) right?… help me because i dont want to seem like an asshole but at the same time it really bothers me because. im the kind of person who rids myself of the past because it does not help me one bit.
Woah. Just, woah.
Since you seem to be little slower than your average turtle, let’s roll this out “lentement”, eh?
First, maybe stop ignoring your obvious issues with jealousy? I mean, holy jumping llama beans, Batman. I’ve met 19 year-old poetry majors with less issues than you most obviously don’t recognize.
Second, “I used to be married to a woman who lived on making me jealous and nearly ruined my life.” Ya, that’s called love, dude. Sorry, it’s a motherfucker but that’s all we got.
Third, dude. Duderstein. Duderama. Dudeclese. My friend. You’re choosing the wrong women. You seem like a caring fella who just wants someone to care about — don’t undervalue that. Find someone who’ll see in you what I do.
“Things got bad and so did my temper,” you say? So you’ve got that double whammy testosterone problemo: Jealousy and rage. “Temper” is a limp euphemism for conjugal violence, didja know? God you must be S-E-X-Y.
Real talk: What are you doing taking your GF’s phone and looking through it without her consent? Scanning through her FB friends without her consent? What else are you doing without her okay? Whatever shitty things your parents did to you to make you feel this insecure isn’t any excuse for being a dick to your partner. If I could will anything into you it would be that you be a sweetheart, but I’m not sure that’s magically obtainable like that.
FYI: No one deletes their exes from their phones unless their exes are douchebags, and then they block them up the wazoo on the FB and make a clean break of it.
Go back to your video games. Stop being a douche to your GF. If you must use her phone, text her a sweetiepie “Babe, I sure loves you.” Or download some kitten pics onto that shit. Aw, yeah. That’s how I roll.
Here’s hoping your GF deleting YOU from her phone is part of her 2013 New Year’s resolutions.
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