Ask TSJ: Loving the Lord + Getting the Sex

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

Ask TSJ

This week’s incredible question comes from our buddy Anonymous. And you know what they say about a friend in need is a friend indeed.

HERE’S THE Q: Why is it that loving the Lord and sex have to be mutually exclusive? Who is it that gave us sex to enjoy in the first place?

MIKE SAYS

Ask TSJ

Dear ,

I reject the premise of your question. No place is God, no matter what you believe God to be, more present than in the bedroom. The act itself creates life, literally making mortals creators. Sex is, usually, performed in the nude, as we came into this world, a miracle in and of itself. The Bible is the first pornographic text known to man. Have you read Song of Solomon? There’s some filthiness in there that would make Anthony Weiner blush. And for most people, just getting laid is a miracle. Plus, an overwhelming majority scream out some deity’s title during orgasm. Personally, I like to yell out, “Jesus Zeus Allah sweet Moses and Sophia” when I’m finishing my business.

Plus, have you ever [deleted for explicit content] and then [deleted for explicit content] your partner after popping a couple of Viagra and bit of Ecstasy? Jesus.

Mike

MELISSA SAYS

Ask TSJ

Dear Reader of TSJ,

Thanks for reading TSJ!

Here’s the deal: You’re in the wrong religion. That or you need to get yerself hitched. Yup yup. Newlywed doing it is generally okayed by any and all biblical laws. Check Leviticus. You’ll see.

Option b) join up with a sexy cult! Ever heard of the Raelian movement? You know what? They might be just the ticket for you, friend-reader. No but really. They like activities that start with an “o” and end in “ah, gee!” True fact.

There’s also Wiccans, who are less cuckoo than the Raelians by about a thousand percent, and have been known to get au naturel on full-moon occasions, as one does.

Good piece of info is that generally anyone who’s not speaking in tongues in their place of worship and voting (or not voting) for Romney, daring snakes to bite them for Jesus or picketing doctors’ offices will let you a) celebrate the awe that is the universe while b) showing you their underpants.

And re: your Q about “Who is it who gave us sex?” Let me consult my cubicle oracle for a moment…

Evolution? Yeah, definitely. Evolution gave us sex.

Peace,
Melissa

 

Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.

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