LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from our good friend — we can call him that now, can’t we — Jordy.
Do casinos always win?
I want to make some money, but I don’t want to work, and so I’ve been thinking about gambling. But I worry about gambling being like already pre-decided so that I’d never even stand a chance.
So I don’t know what to do. Work? Or gamble?
- Jordy, Atlanta
This brings back memories of my grandmother’s fourth husband, Harold, who used to tell me: “Mikey boy, casinos are like women. They’ve got your balls in their pocket ten minutes before you can find their panty line.” And while that isn’t a perfect metaphor, it hints at some truth: casinos know they’ve got it won, so your only chance at winning is not to play. Want to make some quick dough? Bet on the New York Jets to lose.
Don’t listen to Mike. He lost all his optimism back in 1996 when the Oasis concert was cancelled mid-show in Vancouver and he had to go home before even hearing the start of “Wonderwall.” And it’s understandable you’d lose all hope after an event like that because it’s shitty to expect one thing then get another.
But don’t give up on your Kardashian grandeur my-daddy-paid-for-this dreams, Jordy, my friend. I can call you friend, right. Of course you can make a killing with the gambling and it’s easy peasy, or “easy as eating a cookie,” as a girl from Georgia-the-country used to say to me. That’s why gamble sounds like gambol. Homonyms are where it’s at.
Beat the system. Make a killing. Buy a boat.
Okay I’m lying.
Truth: Decks are loaded, bro. It doesn’t sound like you know shit about gambling and unless you’re Rain Man, you’re gonna lose everything you got and your shirt, too. My advice: Go work at Starbucks. They have healthcare.
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