LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader named “Zunair”.

hi my name is zunair and i am 24 old and i realy realy become a porn star please any one help me or guide me please

FROM MIKE

Hi Zunair,

Well, if you want to be a porn star, TSJ can at least point you in the right direction. In fact, I starred in a few “adult” productions back in the ’90s when my modelling career began to fall apart. Here are some tips:

1. Change your name. No one wants to fuck someone named Zunair, even for fame and fortune. Try Todd or Marquis.
2. Quit telling people your damn age, dude. Everyone in porn is between 18 and 19.
3. Seriously dude, your name.
4. Start rubbing cayenne on your genitals before coitus. There no room in porn for a quick trigger. Just ask Matt Damon.
5. Measure your junk. If it’s shorter than this message, you better look into another career.

Good luck!
Mike

FROM MELISSA

Hey Zunair.

How you doing. Do you want to be a porn star because you need to get laid? Or do you want to be a porn star because you think you’re so good at sex you could go pro? Or do you want to be a porn star — wait. I don’t want to think about this anymore.

Here’s some motivational badabing from our fave New Englander, Henry David Thoreau, who said, sans exclamations, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you have imagined!”

Ya, man! Do it, buddy! Easy route first, mayheps? Just load up your lovin’ on a Tube site! TA-DA! You’re a porn star!

And for more tips, watch porn dude Evan Stone dish, below. Don’t say I never gave you nothin’.

Evan Stone: How to Be a Male Porn Star

Love,
Melissa