LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from our buddy Evie, from Misoula, Montana. And you know how they say a friend in need is a friend indeed.
I’m not sure what you guys specialize in but if I (hypothetically) sent naked pictures of myself on a floppy disk to the star of a hit sitcom in 1992 and now I wanted to get those photos back because my body will never look that way again and I want to prove to my boyfriend how I was sexy, but those were the only copies because it was hard enough to get those onto the disk in the first place and I threw out the negatives when I moved — well what would you do?
Well, you certainly came to the right place for advice. But, first, as a suggestion, if you’re concerned about your body image, probably best not to publish text employing words like “floppy” alongside “naked” and “hard.”
As for the sitcom star, it’s quite easy to get ahold of celebs these days, especially washed out celebs. I’d approach him or her via email or through their agency, and say you’re producing a documentary on how weird fangirls sent nudie pics to celebs before the Internet. The 1992 sitcom star will be ever so pleased to be included, and you’ll have your floppy disk back in no time.
How you’ll get the pics of the disc is a whole other problem. Write back when you’ve acquired the disk.
Hit sitcom from 1992? You were alive then? Wait, maybe he was in a hit show then but you liked him later? I have to figure out who you sent your floppy disk to. Also cool, I totally forgot about floppy disks. For a while I pictured the really old-fashioned kind, you know? The ones that were like, actually floppy, and squared off at 5″ x 5″. And then I remembered the mid-nineties kind, which were a harder, tamer, 3″ x 3″.
So who’d you send your boob pics to? Ted Danson? Bill Cosby? Tim Allen? Am I getting warm? I think I had it at Cheers.
Also who took them? Did you have a JoyCam? A Polaroid? No, you said something about negatives. I want to know who took the pictures. Your BFF? Your college coed dorm-mate? Am I getting warm?
You left so many parts out of this story, Evie. But I won’t hold that against you.
So this is what you do. You tweet out to Danson. You say, Heya, gimme back my sexy pics circa 1992.
And he’ll do an Alias-like/McGyverish play where what he does is he makes smoldering old-man CSI actor eye-contact with you in a crowded square, say, in Philly. You’ll be wearing an ash grey, anonymous banker lady business suit. You’ll be reading the business section of The Boston Globe and he’ll know it’s you because that’ll be the code and he’ll swing by and toss that disk into your open, waiting purse (no pun intended). And when he brushes past you you’ll get a smell of something. Something like a sound stage, or a live studio audience. And you’ll look into your purse and there’ll be your sexy floppy disk with a scratch-and-sniff rose sticker on it that you distinctly don’t remember putting there. And on the other side of the floppy disk there’ll be a yellow sticky note that’ll say, “Thanks for the good times, Evie, Luv 4ever Ted.”
And you’ll look up at the crowd to find him, but he’ll be gone.
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.