Ask TSJ: I Snooped in My GF’s Browsing History

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from our friend “pls help.” And you know how they say a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Ask TSJ

Dear tsj,

i got home early from work today and my gfs computer was open. she’s been kinda weird lately so i looked at her history and i see she signed up for that imatch site. i dunno what to do because im an ass for looking at her history, but im also freaked out.

pls help!

MIKE SAYS

Ask TSJ

Dear pls help!

You’ve come to the right place. I have a PhD in distrust and poor decisions. What you’ve done here is caused yourself a lot of worry for what may be nothing. You never should have snooped, and now because you can’t reveal your distrust you’ll never know.

Plus, if your lady was on the fence about cheating on/leaving you, this kind of rookie mistake would have her out the door before you could say “Free 30-Day Ashley Madison Trial.”

Computer snooping is dangerous. So what now? The general rule is that your partner isn’t cheating until you find someone else’s memory stick in her USB drive.

So you’re kind of fucked. I think you have no choice but to man up and wait until you have indisputable evidence. By way of personal experience, I would spend a weekend binge drinking to wipe your memory clear of this event, and start anew next week.

And trust, baby, trust. That’s all love is.

Mike

MELISSA SAYS

Ask TSJ

Yo!

Numero uno, you are def an ass for snooping through your one true love’s browsing history. Let me put on my Dr. Phil voice: WHAT were YOU THINKING!!??

You know what you’re going to find snoozing all up that PC shiz: You’re going to find more hardcore than softcore porn (surprise!), pics of engagement rings and/or other diamond paraphernalia, and the various artistic projects of her exes and your exes combined. (And possibly some Wiccan spells. From some dabbling phase-thing she maybe had.)

Here’s the deal: Everyone deserves to have their stalker and porno habits be theirs and theirs alone. Unless you’re openly sharing this kinda private info because you’re into that kind of sharing of private info kinky shit. Otherwise, what she is thinking about is for her brain/eyeballs/synapses. You know?

Numero two, the actual issue of the iMatch site find.

You can go two ways with this.

a) You invent a story about a “friend” who signed up for something like that and ask her what she’d do.

b) You come clean and tell her the whole shebang and she probably dumps your ass.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that maybe neither of you have had the boyfriend-girlfriend discussion, though, because if you’re snooping and she’s looking, maybe you’re not meant to be.

Love,
Melissa

Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.

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