Ask TSJ: I Only Sleep with Writers & Musicians


LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from our friend Miriam. And you know how they say a friend in need is a friend indeed.

dear ask tsj,

i basically only sleep with writers and musicians because they’re my favorites. but how come musicians always have soap and extra towels and writers never do? thanks!

- miriam august


Ask TSJ Melissa chalk

Hey Miri,

Here’s the deal: Musicians have to get up in front of an audience and they dig doing that plus they want to be liked so they’re more apt to care about their appearance. Also, unlike writers, they have to work with other people so they’re more used to social niceties like not stinking.

Writers, however, hole up alone and chain smoke and pick their noses and make miniature sculptures with their snots and get wasted and mourn their teenaged boyfriends/girlfriends/dead cats while scraping off scabs and scream-crying until the antidepressants kick in so they sometimes have a hard time with soaps and such.

Solution: Carry one of those tiny yet super absorbent camping towels as well as a trusty dollar-store bodywash/shampoo deal in your purse and you will never have to make your walk of shame as crusty as it could be. I’d say try dallying with some accountants but they’re really boring, I know. I tried one once. I was like, cool, you have a job! And then I was like doodoodoo I’M SO BORED. BUT he did buy me some swank five-course dinners. And dude, that’s not nuthin.

Le sigh.



Ask TSJ Mike photobooth

Dear Miriam,

I only sleep with writers and musicians too! We should hook up!

But, seriously: Here’s the dealio on writers sans soaps and amenities. Musicians aspire to the aesthetic of the filthy hipster rock n’roller type, while writers literally embody that aesthetic. Why is this? Most would say a combination of poverty, depression, substance abuse, and dreams of being Jack Keroauc. But the truth is, it’s simply laziness. Remember: A writer is just a musician too lazy to get a bartending job.

(Call me.)

- Mike


Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.