LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader named “Luka”.
Jesus. Where to begin. First, you need to go do grade 3 over again because your spelling and grammar are atrocious. Seriously.
Second, despite what cable television and Judd Apatow movies tell you, “im a guy.. who is really drunk” is not an excuse for ANYFUCKINGTHING. You made out with your buddy’s girl. You’re the lowest of the low. You’re LeBron James low. You’re Randy Travis low. Somewhere, Judas is hanging with JC and saying: Ouch.
Third, are you responsible for this whole situation? Yes, yes you are.
Fourth, who’s the “bigger slut”? Well, not the two girls who have done nothing wrong with the exception of letting you in their mouths. You’re the “bigger slut”, sir. You are.
Fifth, again, the grammar, dude.
So the bad part about what happened is how you’re in pretty deep shite with your buds.
The good part is you got to stick your face in a bunch of girls’ faces. I never got to stick my face in a bunch of girls’ faces. And despite what the Russians are doing all over the Internet, probably few of us have in the for real for reals.
Nonetheless, you’ve got yourself at least a couple of problemos.
PROBLEMO NUMERO UNO
The first is that you’re calling your makeout familiars sluts. Dude. Never blame the ladies for including you in their fun since that was a real kindly and generous gesture on their parts. Blaming your hostesses is a douchebag move that’s oh, about four thousand years old — think: But God! Eve totally jammed that apple down my throat! Yeah, it’s so bad. What it says about you is you can’t man up to making out with some ladies of your own volition. (Volition = of your own free will.)
Just admit it–you liked it, you wanted it, you did it. Deal with the consequences. (Consequences = what happens after you did something.) As Laura Ingalls Wilder said of getting knocked up on her wedding night, “I danced with the fiddler and now I have to pay my dues.” Or she said something like that. Anyway. You face-danced. And now you gotta pay up.
PROBLEMO NUMERO TWO-NO
This leads to problemo two-no. There’s gonna be consequences to a friend group makeout sesh. Don’t act like you didn’t know that already.
But problemo two-no is super easy to solve. Next time you gnosh with one or more ladies, make sure they’re brand new friends. That way you can milk all the fun out of a NSA situ.
Got some Qs for the ASK TSJ crew? Send ‘em over here.