LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in Rhode Island.
Sometimes there’s a funky smell that comes out of my underpants. Why?
John from Newport, Rhode Island
We get asked this question 2-7 times a day here at Ask TSJ. Unfortunately, there are many possible causes of your odors. At least we can rule out yeast infection!
In order from least likely to what?
- You loved up on a man or woman who was unclean.
- You buy your gitch at WalMart.
- You wrote us from WalMart.
- You’re one of those dudes who doesn’t change his gitch unless there’s a chance that you’ll get laid, and you haven’t had a chance to get laid since the Bush administration.
- You enjoy the back door, but rarely sweep the porch, if you get my drift.
- Your wife or girlfriend or boyfriend has chronic halitosis or is a smoker.
- You regularly consome tofu.
- You smoke bath salts instead of letting them dissolve into your daily bath.
- You’re actually Kevin Federline.
- You’re one of the 3 percent of dudes who still doesn’t manscape.
If I’m a betting man, and to take you at your word that you’re from Newport, RI, I’m going to go with option 11, and say you’re carrying on an illicit affair with a fishmonger.
Wash your junk,
Boys can get yeast infections, btw.
Wow. I got learned!
I’m gonna revise that: We get asked this question 2-7 times a day here at Ask TSJ. Unfortunately, there are many possible causes of your odors. At least we can rule out vaginal infection!”
The grossest thing about dating (writers) is finding yourself in some dirty mancave with no sheets, some old woolly blanket, that bean bag thing hippy-prone (or prone hippy) dudes use for pillows (and no pillow for you but why don’t you use this sofa arm rest foam thing).
Plus then hauling yourself off the curb mattress into a shower where there is no soap in the mornings. Bleh.
What I’m saying is, it matters, the cleaning. Like not a lot — you don’t have to have ruffled curtainy shenanigans with bow-ties and dangling feng shui holograms. Just some nice clean sheets. Some nice clean drawers. A fresh pair everyday. I know, it seems like that’s a lot of washing. But it helps to unfunk your junk.
Just to be on the safe side, I went ahead and Googled your quandry, which leads me to ask if you are “shaking” or “dabbing” your wang post-leak? Are you washing your stuff good and thorough? Because if you’re not, this may be the root of your stank, Johnnypants.
Either that, or you’re dying from the disease where your balls fall off. Like some Insane Clown Posse-esque leprosy of the balls.
Yeah. I’m sorry to break that to you.
Those were your balls.