LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in Sarah Palin’s home state of Alaska.
I dreamed I cheated on my girlfriend with a lady who was part cat. She was like human sized, but the bottom part of her was hairy. She’d actually tattooed her upper body to look like it was covered in hair. And she had a tail. But she looked like a normal girl otherwise.
So does this mean I want to cheat on her or is it just a dream?
I’m going to cut right to the chase, skip the bullshit, and give you the straight dope: Your girlfriend is a lesbian. And you know it.
Your subconscious knows it, anyway. In your dreams, you see your girl friend as one giant vagina, represented in this case by a cat, or a pussy. The tattoo on her upper body is representative of your girlfriend’s choice to be something other than what she was born to be, hiding what she really is. She has a tail because your subconscious is telling you that you want to make her something she is not. She is hairy because ladies who like ladies like a little mange on their rug, a little fringe on the rough, a little beard on the buff, a little grass around the infield, a touch of fur on the domesticated llama, a wig on the mannequin, some vibrissae to grip the vibrator.
My advice? Buy her some Ani diFranco albums and a bottle of gin, and the two of you should go trolling pussy.
Wow. I feel like this story you’re telling us is so detailed that it maybe happened for real, and not just in a “dream.” Did something get a little out of hand last Halloween?
According to my psychic, George, dreaming of cats means you were a Puritan in a past life, or a cat, or a fishmonger. George suggests you should maybe spice up your night routine, so as to be more cattish — his words, not mine. I wouldn’t say “cattish” because it sounds too much like “caddish” and while they both might be appropriate in this context, they’re really not the same thing.
Maybe you’re messed up and you want to be straight-up getting closer to some feline animorph friends? Hey, we don’t judge. As Lil’ Kim says, in her song, “Dreams,” “fuck dem LaDae cats, they wack.”
Music for Making Love: Cat Song