LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in South Carolina.
How can I make my girlfriend sexier?
Charleston, South Carolina
Well, Josh, I’ve dated only the sexiest women that rural Oklahoma has to offer, so my own experience is a little limited here. But, fortunately, I have been doing some research for a new book entitled Sexy Her Up: A Guide to Making The Girl You Love the Girl You Want to Roll Over, Slap on the Ass, and Call Petula. It’s a working title. Here’s three quick ways to make your girl sexier:
1. Alcohol: The problem Josh, is most likely you. Ladies are inherently sexy, with all their bits and pieces and whatnot. So if you don’t find your girl sexy, have a couple of her Smirnoff Ices and get aboard the sexy train!
2. Get a New Girl: The problem could simply be a lack of chemistry, and if you’re having problems finding your lady friend sexy today, what’s gonna happen down the road when you’re both flabby and unattractive. Man up and ship out, Josh!
3. Quantitative Method: This stems from a 1984 Harvard study on sexy. The paper contends that sexy may only be increased by adding to the equations. So buckle up, Joshua. It’s time for a threesome. Or a foursome. Or a fivesome, a bucket of fried chicken, six chiffon nightgowns, and a community college film crew.
At the end of the day Josh, sexy is a state of mind, and as a hetero male, it should be your state of mind 98 percent of the day. If you don’t find your girl sexy when you’re inside her, wearing cowboy boots, and calling her Jessica, and it may be time to try dudes. Just saying.
Here’s the rule: Only date ladies you think is sexy.
Can’t date sexy girls? Probably you’re not washing. Wash up! Smell delicious. Make eye contact. Sexy girls you will find.