LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from our good friend Anon.
So, I’m in my dorm room at IU yesterday surfing the web, and suddenly my Facebook and Twitter feeds are filled with stories of this Notre Dame player whose girlfriend turned out to be a hoax, and she didn’t exist. I’m on a basketball scholarship here, and I’ve got a good chance to turn pro in 2015. My question to you is, how do I know my girlfriend exists? I mean, we met online, she goes to Bethel, we G-Chat and Skype all the time, and I’ve been inside her, but how do I know she’s not part of some elaborate hoax to scam me of my NBA money? Is there someone I can call? Is there something online, like those IQ tests? Do I need a lawyer?
Anon. from Bloomington
Let me just put your mind at ease and say that at the time of this writing we had received around 3,000 letters just like this one. The Manti Te’ story has student athletes all over the country in paralyzing fear that their partner may be a hoax. Before hiring a private investigator or ordering one of those over-priced “Is My Girlfriend a Hoax” kits from the Internet, make your way through this questionnaire. If you answer yes to two or more of these eleven questions, then your partner is the real deal.
- Have you been impotent during coitus and she still speaks to you?
- Has she ever disappeared for a three-day weekend with her ex to “work through some issues”?
- Does she perform fellatio only on your birthday and/or Arbor Day?
- During the first year of your relationship did she “keep the backdoor closed”?
- Do her parents refer to you as “the future ex-boyfriend”?
- Does she consistently tag Facebook photos of herself and other dudes?
- Does she text and/or Facetime with friends during sex?
- Is she obsessed with Sex in the City prequel The Carrie Diaries because the former left her with “unanswered questions”?
- Does she often suspect your happiness is connected to infidelity and/or gambling?
- Does she hate Lena Dunham?
- Will she wear Uggs when engaged in sexual activities if asked?
Good luck, and if it turns out she’s a hoax, contact the editors at Deadspin immediately.
A lawyer! What a terrific idea! You’re doing some championship thinking there, Anon! Who needs IQ tests? Not you!
Lawyer Bonus: A lawyer makes a great extra on a date with your Bethel girl. Sorta like in those movies about President’s daughters, your lawyer could be the tag-along security factor, your Linus security blanket, your awkward third wheel that actually brings the two of you closer together. And he can keep a steady hand with the camera when you score big.
Ta-da. Proof + a witness. If anyone ever calls you a bachelor again, you’ll show them.
Ew. Sometimes my jokes gross me out, Anon. True fact.
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.