LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader named “Aidan.”
My girlfriend wants me to dress up like a blood elf from World of Warcraft to have sex with her. It wouldn’t be an issue only we haven’t have sex yet and I don’t want our first time to be… bloody-elfish/blood elvish.
Wow, blood and elves and the very first time. You sure pack a tight schedule, you and your cosplay dame. Me and my first time were way less ambitious. But wait, you don’t mean first time first time, you just mean first time together, right? (If you mean first time first time and this is your deal you are so fucking committed to this make pretend thing that I’m just kinda agog, you know. Like, whoa. Whoa. Whoa!)
Here’s what I figure: If your guys’ bits fit where they need to, does it matter what pointy ear/winged appendages you have on? I say nyet.
Just make sure it’s not going on in some engineer’s dorm room floor. Or wait — maybe that would be exactly the perfect place for the World of Warcraft sexing? Could be. Could be.
So, like, did you guys meet online?
Dear Blood Elfish,
Let me first contain my surprise; a couple of Warcraft virgins? Well now I’ve heard it all. Oh, how the other Warcrafters must tease you.
Look, elfman, maybe in Azeroth it’s not unusual to find an Orcish babe who’s willing to dress up like a video game character and invade her dark portal. But out here on planet normal many of us have to pay a good sum of money to get a sexual partner to entertain our fantasies. I once paid a professional six grand to dress up like Princess Leia and clean my condo. You have a girl willing to love up on you in full fantasy gear? God forbid. What’s she going to frighten you with next? A threesome.
Get your head out of your ass, Zelda, get an expansion pack and satisfy that lady’s burning crusade.
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.