Ask TSJ: Got the Sinking Waterpark Woes

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

Ask TSJ

This week’s incredible question comes from our buddy Evie, from Misoula, Montana. And you know how they say a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Dear tsj,

This girl I’m dating wants to go to a waterpark which is cool cuz she’ll be all wet and in a bikini and I’m stoked, but I’m sorta terrified of water slides. When water gets up my nose I feel like I’m gonna die, and I know there will be wedgies. I need like, rules or tips, or a fucking pep talk.

Embarrassed as hell and don’t wanna drown,

Chase in Madison, Wisconsin

MIKE SAYS

Ask TSJ

Hey Chase,

First, what soap opera was your mom obsessed with that she named you Chase? Bold and the Beautiful? Amirite? Good luck with that. Kids ain’t got no biblical names no more.

Second, your girlie wants to go to a waterpark? Is she seven? You can get her wet and/or in a bikini without leaving the privacy of your home, FYI.

Third, pep talk? MAN THE FUCK UP, CHASE! It’s a goddamn waterpark. My eight-year-old nephew can rock a waterpark without fear, and he still believes in Santa Claus and happiness.

Jesus, people. Real problems only from now on.

Mike

MELISSA SAYS

Ask TSJ

Hahaha. This is funny.

You know, everything Mike is saying is true, because he’s like a true visionary because he’s a Virgo right. But here’s the thing he doesn‘t say. There’s a weird time/not quite a woman/not a little girl time of going to amusement parks when you’re too old to really be there.

It’s like living at home with your folks long after you should have gone to college.

Or like when all your friends have gone away to school and you’re stuck going to community college part-time and working in a suburban McDonald’s with sixteen-year-olds and wannabe racecar drivers. Say. Hypothetically.

So amusement parks and water slides are like that. It’s like you’re hanging around the kiddy pool too long. And it’s sort of okay, in a get-in-touch-with-your-inner-child way, but sort of not okay, in a creepy-creeper sort of way.

But you know what? Be a rebel, push the limits, go for it!

A coupla rules for Date Day: Don’t wear a T-shirt to cover your beer-belly because a wet T-shirt on a gentleman c’est ugly. Do wear a bathing suit. Do make sure there’s like a regular pool component, and a hot dog joint not too far off, so you got places to do other stuff than stand in lines and fall off slides. Def check out the bikini scene, but don’t ogle too hard, because that’ll make you a dickwad. Get some dogs. Wear sunscreen.

You’ll be so great! I know you’re a natural.

Bonus: You can use my good advice for just about any situation.

Love,

Melissa

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