LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull and Headshots’ columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from our friend “Sarah in Brooklyn.” And you know how they say a friend in need is a friend indeed.
Dear Melissa and Mike,
So, I’ve was quite addicted to the Olympics. I watched nearly every event, whether live or PVRed. But, I have to admit, I’ve found myself quite taken by the lycra tight Olympic outfits. I mean, sexually. The speed skaters, the downhill skiers, the biathletes, and don’t get me started on the skeleton and luge teams! Have mercy! I’m developing complex sexual fantasies about being taken by a male Olympian.
I want a bobsled on my track. I want to reach for gold. I want to stand on the podium. I want to come first in my event. I want to stand for the anthem.
I guess what I’m saying is, I want to get filled with some Olympic spirit.
Is this weird? Can I admit this fetish to one of my sexual partners? HALP!
Sarah in Brooklyn
You want to come first? Every time? What about sharing and caring and love isn’t about the win? In real love you play for the fun of it, for the journey, for the giving, dontcha know? Just because there’s a “bi” in “biathlete” doesn’t mean they’re into you, Sarahbeans.
So I say wear the lycra but show some consideration, ok?
Should you tell one of your sexytimes lycramates, you query. Def! Tell each and every one of them. Two words: LYCRA SCRUM. Once in the slippery muddle of your Olympic sex party, just make a grab for someone’s zipper and don’t stop till it quits zipping. Especially if they’re a biathlete.
PS “taken by a male Olympian?” that sounds so gorfy, Sarah. WTF.
You can’t have sex in lycra. There are no holes. It’s just awkward dry humping. It’s lycra humping. It’s lycrumping.
But I digress.
Truthfully, I worry about you Sarah. And I worry about what Brooklyn has become. A place for hipsters who claim to be writers or poets or DJs or Lena Dunham to waste away their 20s contriving fetishes like yours built around Olympic speed skating outfits.
My advice: Move back to Topeka. Get a job. Learn to love. Stop pretending.
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? CLICK HERE and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.