LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in NYC.
My girlfriend’s from Brooklyn and she’s all really cool and pretty and she’s always making fun of me for my music tastes. I really want us to do it to Enya but I’m scared to ask her. I really love Watermark, I think it would be super soulful shit you know. My tastes matter too, right. What should I do.
- Duncan, NYC
Dear whoever the fuck you are,
Listen pally, your girlfriend can’t be that cool, because she lets some dude who digs Enya love up on her business. Also, why was it important to tell me she’s from Brooklyn. Do girls who live in suburban Cleveland or the Bronx differ in their affections for coming to orgasm while listening to a middle aged Irish woman yelp out “Post nubila, phoebus iternum”? (Which, for those not fluent in half-dead languages, translates very loosely to: “Just the tip, but not in that hole.”) Fucking Williamsburg is ruining it for the rest of the world. Your girl’s a hipster. So is mine, you just don’t see me trying to bust a nut on her chest while getting my Gaelic on.
Also, you used the word “soulful,” which leads me to believe you’re very lucky to even have a girl who’ll let you inside her. Do your tastes matter? Well, from what little I know about them, no, no they do not.
Your girl’s a hipster. So is mine, you just don’t see me trying to bust a nut on her chest while getting my Gaelic on.
And, for future reference. The only songs anyone should ever make sweet sweet lovin’ to is AC/DC’s “Shoot to Thrill,” Hole’s “Miss World” (if it’s her birthday), and occasionally the theme song to LA Law by Mike Post.
Good luck. When this goes south, I suggest you invest in escorts. The only way a woman will bungle your biscuits listening to Irish Adult Contemporary New Wave is if you’re paying her to.
You know in that movie Greencard there’s some running to the courthouse to hustle-prove Gerard Depardieu (public plane pisser) and Andie MacDowell’s sham marriage for citizenship to some hopping Enya soundtrack.
Coincidentally, this Enya business goes on in NYC (not Brooklyn). But it was like 1983 and Peter Gabriel was still cool and Sinead O’Connor hadn’t had her bathsalts Vegas snafoo and Andie MacDowell was just on the cusp of making her best movie ever, Groundhog Day, which didn’t have any kind of Enya songs featured, just a bunch of Sonny and Cher on repeat. In a good way, right? Right.
What matters, Duncan, is the getting it on. So what if you’re hung up on the music your mom lost her virginity to! That’s okay. We’ve got your back.
Here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna go old school and make a mixed tape for sexing your GF. You’re gonna call the tape ‘Ironic Erotica.’ Oh yes you are. On the tape you’ll have the following — the soundtrack to Last of the Mohicans, the soundtrack to Chariots of Fire, the soundtrack to The Mission, a buncha Meryl Streep in Out of Africa tuneage, and some — I know how much my mom loves this — circa Pretty Woman Roxette. You just work the Watermark someplace around minute 14 and all those synth sounds will meld together.
Got a question for Melissa and Mike? Click here and fire away. If we use it… your life will improve immediately.