Ask TSJ: Do I Got to Tell Her I’m Not Into Jesus?

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader in Montana.

Dear TSJ,

I asked my therapist this, and now he won’t return my calls. Your questions and answers seem pretty “out there” so I’m giving y’all a go.

I’m 25 and married to the woman of my dreams. We met five years ago when I was a barista and she was one of my best customers.

Thing is, when she finally got around to asking me out, she asked if I would go to church with her. I was so into this chick (still am) so I said yes. I never told her I didn’t do the church thing, but the lie snowballed and now here we are, about to have our first kid (she’s eight months pregnant) and we go to church most Sundays, and the wife is talking about the baptism, and, well… I’m Jewish. I tell her I’m going to karate classes and I’m sneaking to synagogue. My folks died when I was young, and I don’t have any family around, so it never came up. But I don’t want my kid to be baptized!

Help,
Noah from Missoula, Montana

MIKE SAYS

Dear Noah,

What is wrong with you? And what’s wrong with your girl? Your name is NOAH, for godsake, whoever you believe that god to be. And karate lessons? What? Look, I’m all into lying to the ladies in order to get a piece of the hum hum, a taste of the dessert, a quick ride on the excavator. But there’s limits to your lies. Claiming to be a Christian for five years? Woah, dude. I’m under the impression that you’re not the best Jew around, either, if you’re willing to lie about it. I mean, what would your bubby say?

Here’s my advice. Convert to Christianity. Your girl seems to be more into it than you, and you’re such a dick that you’r lie about your Judaism, so you obviously were only in it for the Bah Mitzvah. But when you kid starts to act all stressed, filled with guilt, and sucks at sports, your wife is going to know something’s up.

-Mike

MELISSA SAYS

What-a-great-name-Noah!

It’s so sweet how you got your girlfriend, wife, whatever, to fall for you by lying to her about who you are. Not only that, but you’ve been able to maintain this deception for five whole years! You’re like an undercover Christian. You should write an expose! “Inside the Mind of a Gentile.” Something.

Nuts and bolts — you’re gonna make her cry when you tell her. Not because you killed Jesus. Because she’s gonna be super sad you don’t talk to her straight and you’ve waited till now to bother. She’ll go soap opera, “I don’t even KNOW who YOU ARE anymore!” Like that. (I know how much I hate it when liars knock me up. It always takes me a good three, or three-to-four hours to get over it.) So have some drinks. Like some nice sweet wine, maybe, beforehand, to prepare for the wrath.

Probs there’s some way of saying how it slipped your mind but now you care and would she mind not so much with the holy sacrament and all that. If she digs ya she’ll be cool.

Right?

xo
Melissa

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Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Ask TSJ: Am I in Touch with Aliens? 
Ask TSJ: Blacking Out and Waking Up in Strange Places
Ask TSJ: I Want to Be a Porn Star 

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