Ask TSJ: “Born-again Virgin” Wants to Get Some

LIFE IS HARD. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help. TSJ’s editor, Melissa Bull, and Headshots columnist, Mike Spry, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s incredible question comes from a TSJ reader named “Lee”.

FROM MIKE

Dear Lee,

You came to the right place, Captain. ‘Cause TSJ is gonna get—you—laid.

First, my condolences on the passing of your wife. She sound like a wonderful lay. But, my Lord, 7 years? We must act now. Fortunately, the solution is simple. Most universities have policies that allow senior citizens to audit classes for free. What you need to do is find your way into a creative writing class, preferably poetry. Use your breadth of life experience to both write self-indulgent and lovelorn poems. At the same time these texts will impress the young 20-somethings with daddy issues. Or granddaddy issues, as it were. Compared to the 20-something dudes in the poetry class, who don’t have Viagra covered by ObamaCare, you’ll look like Robert Pattinson (he’s like this generations Rock Hudson). If you enroll now, you’ll be in classes by early November, and you’ll be getting laid by Canadian Thanksgiving.

Thank me later,
Mike

FROM MELISSA

Dear Lee,

I have an old man bachelor dad, so I know some things about how old guys get when they don’t have a lady around to keep them honest.

1. LAUNDRY
First things first. You’re gonna have to make sure to step up the grooming. You’re probably not washing your clothes as often as you should be. Like once-a-week-ish? Yeah, that often, I know. It’s a drag, but. Girls, they like that.

2. HOUSEKEEPING
Prepare your home to receive the buxom young dame — hiring a cleaning lady might not be a bad idea. It doesn’t need to smell like Ajax in there, but musty bachelor stank is not so sexy either.

3. FLATTERY
The problem with young guys is they’re kinda cocky sometimes. So be a gentleman. Try some sweet words.

“You sure look pretty.”
“That’s a nice dress you’re wearing.”
“What a great laugh you have.”
ETC.

4. TRUISMS
Small talk works because it reassures a lady that you’re on the normal end of the spectrum, and if you’re not, it’s easy enough to fake. Just throw around some ice-breaking truisms. Don’t grin too much.

5. DUDS
You were kind enough to send me pictures of yourself wearing T-shirts with pictures of naked girls printed on them. Here’s the deal: You need to be wearing — I know, I know, it doesn’t scream “sex” so boldly — but you need to be wearing regular shirts without naked ladies on them. Or lewd slogans. (Also, no bunny ears on your head.) Here’s why the duds are bombing your chances of picking up: They’re too loud. The desperation factor, in men and women, can be a major turnoff to attracting new mates.

Need to take the edge off? Plenty of folks will tell you there’s nothing wrong with a lady for hire. [Mike interrupts my part of this to add: I don't believe that "hooker" is the politically acceptable nomenclature. I believe nowadays it's PC to use "companionship consultant" or "relationship coordinator" or "undergraduate".]

I don’t know how that stuff works, but I’m sure it’s not that hard to figure out.

I think you’ll find that once the ball gets rolling, it’ll be way easier to pick up.

Inspiration video 1: Bukowski, Women

Inspiration video 2: ”Hemingway” being hilarious in Midnight in Paris

But seriously.

Truly,
Melissa

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Ask TSJ: Am I in Touch with Aliens? 
Ask TSJ: Lovin’ Up on Non-human Mammals
Ask TSJ: I Want to Be a Porn Star
Ask TSJ: Blacking Out + Waking Up in Weird Places

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